I suppose that finding the heart in this idea is the first step. That tends to motivate more to look for new ways to carve out time from a filled calendar.
But it is okay that I am not trying to be a novel author anymore. As I think I have written about extensively in earlier posts, I was mostly in that game for the wrong reasons despite having some good ideas and some of the right emotions - the right drive. It is a long story and I really don't care to reiterate it here and now, but suffice to say: Sometimes one can really feel no regrets.
Tried to take at least half the day off and rejuvenate my heart by writing a novella. But I was too tired inside. The heart needs to rest first, I guess. Then it can open up again and rejuvenate by sharing what is in it.
I constantly surprise myself. I wanted to have more in common with Tolkien than Hemingway, but I always end up with Hemingway. Or Woolf. Or Dillard, I guess. I don't measure up to any of them, but we are talking about subject matter here, perhaps the only subject matter there truly is: Life.
So I have bogged down and it has been stop-start for over a month, going slower and slower. So today I had to drag myself back to it, if only to read like 5 pages and do the edits. I guess that is what it is all about, what they all say ... what being a writer is about.
I feel ... really good about this story, and that it is finished now. I feel quickened (reference intended) in a way I haven't felt for many years.
It was very strange to then just write and on the one hand feel relieved that I could and on the other feel a little sick about writing about the end of the world. But it was a crucial scene. In a crucial story, at least for me personally. So I guess that makes it overall the right outcome.
It's good to remember that if I write every day on stories I love for the next 10 or 50 years ... then making mental room and spending calendar time for and on that ... is worth the most. Worth a lot more, actually, than the money I might receive eventually for my efforts.
I want to make money by myself but in more joyful ways than I do now. It's not about passive income over active income, although I once not so long ago deluded myself into believing that that was all it was about. It's about more joyful ways of making income. Of continually raising the bar. That's a new status quo worth fighting for. And one that might just this time make me keep fighting long enough until I get to it.