The easy and yet difficult question is that of Stephen "7 Habits" Covey is to ask yourself what you want people to remember about you at your funeral. I like to imagine my spirit seeing my body and thinking back on what I achieved. And spending countless of hours with the 'B's - boners, buzz, breaking news and battleships (any kind of random entertainment) - that just won't hack it.
I'm not a puritan, that bears repeating. But the fact is that I badly want to draw more, now that I have thought and obsessed about this for years and I badly want to do better at business. I have already watched and read thousands of hours of porn, news, and entertainment. Oh, and good books, too - books that are important for your spirit and education and all that.
And I have 20 minutes every day to myself. After Jay starts daycare I might have an hour or two at best, because I still have to spend more time making money.
So those are facts.
They should make it easy to choose how to spend that time for some years in the future.
I have resolved to draw 25 pages or so and then see if I am not dead. If I am not dead I can draw another story, perhaps at a greater pace.
And I am going to do it the old-fashioned way because this has become, after all the soul-searching you know about, something mostly for the sake of my soul - a meditative practice if you will that makes me feel good and rejuvenated, in all the ways.
Well ... I am not sure when the right time will be to do a little of that writing I have been talking about recently - again. Maybe I should rather reflect on how psychologists who read this in 50 years time will have a ball trying to figure my head out, due to all my wavering and vacillation when it comes to choosing and prioritizing creative projects, and then over-analyzing myself and freezing before I even get started.
Or maybe I will just start some time, when I have to force myself to use half an hour here or 15 minutes there, when I'd rather sleep and rest, and then post the result tomorrow.
I think I shall.
But right now, no matter the idealism, it just doesn't seem tenable to stand up and say: 'Now I will really prioritize Creative Project A so I can show what I am made of and do this before I die'.
No, now is the time to be patient and chip away at this bit by bit and then plan for the future. If that is the wrong choice, so be it, and it is certainly a difficult choice. But I see no other way.
Just another day in parent-land, but fortunately that is also a land with many other green pastures.
But it is okay that I am not trying to be a novel author anymore. As I think I have written about extensively in earlier posts, I was mostly in that game for the wrong reasons despite having some good ideas and some of the right emotions - the right drive.
It is a long story and I really don't care to reiterate it here and now, but suffice to say: Sometimes one can really feel no regrets.
Tried to take at least half the day off and rejuvenate my heart by writing a novella. But I was too tired inside.
The heart needs to rest first, I guess. Then it can open up again and rejuvenate by sharing what is in it.