When you have children you automatically have more conflicts - the adults. Being 42 and 43 is no security against that.
If your relationship is old, too, and has grown old through trials then age is, however, makes you more secure in your ability to solve the conflicts that do arise.
The big contrast to the occasional sinking feeling about how the birth went is of course the one we experience every day, with Jay. I swear that baby has the world's cutest smile and I am sure I can prove scientifically that no other baby smiles just as wonderfully as Jay does! 🙂
What it means is that those feelings of love and connection, whenever I hold him, are so overwhelming that very few things in life quite compare. And fortunately, those feelings are the sea whereas the memory of the night he came is more like an island that grows more and more distant as time passes.
I said something about how tired we both were of looking after Jay and she disagreed, even though she was dead-tired. I know why, but I was tempted to argue about it anyway.
I stopped and just closed the door. To the office. Not the perfect solution, but Jay was asleep and so will she be.
Not arguing with me about how tired we are because it takes a toll looking after the child we both love.
I briefly wondered what would have happened if the midwife had not discovered that she had set the wrong date for medically induced labor to begin with. I even asked about it but she said it was fine and I figured I must've gotten something wrong about that 'only a week past the term'. Maybe they calculated it differently than I thought?
In any case, it's only a few days and a few percentage points of extra risk that were at stake, so I have let it go. I still try to keep affirming that things are going to go 'right', so here's the chance again.
And I take it.
I'm not particularly anxious anymore, except in flashes, about how it's all going to go down, at the birth and 18 years+ afterwards.
Not exactly sure why, but perhaps it's because we've been thinking about this 24/7 for many months now, so I at least - but Char, too, I think - have become kind of used to this state of worry and expectation. So even though we still worry, and still expect, the feelings don't seem nearly as overwhelming now as they were some months ago. It's become kind of every-day, this new existence of ours, as parents.
And that, I suppose, is exactly as it should be.