Maybe everything is as it should be then. But as said, the feeling is so strong - the feeling that it is close to heart-break that innocence has to end.
In such cases, though, it helps to write about it. One day I will know why.
Today I read a book for my son for the first time. It was a small 'book' with pages very thick of some plastic like material and hole and rounded corners he could grab.
The 'plot' was about a teddy bear taking a bath, then going to bed and then getting up in the morning. You could see various things in the book, like a towel, pajamas, and bananas - each related to the story's 3 main section.
The beginning, middle and end, oh yes.
Hardly a story. Hardly a book, even.
But his first.
One little book for Jay, and me.
But one big start of something ...
Was alone home today, whilst working and it was a strange feeling.
I was glad to have the time, without interruptions. Also to just sit back after work and enjoy a whiskey.
But I also missed Jay and Char very much.
I both needed them to be there and not to be there, at least that day.
Another definition of parenthood, I guess. But not the worst one.
We all want what is best for our children, or at least should. Trouble is that we don't always know what will be, and even when we are sure we know, reality won't always let us choose that.
But damn if we don't give it another try, then.
Jay was kind of impossible all day and we didn't really find out why. We were still at my parents which was a a down in a sense (I'm writing this Friday, panting to catch up). I guess I wanted the time there to be more perfect and baby-coo-coo.
Which is silly, of course. Just like the idea that my parents have an idea that babies should be perfect.
They raised me and my brother, after all. 🙂
Alone one whole evening with Jay for the first time and it went rather badly. He wouldn't take the bottle, or even a small glass of milk from Char. Not without screaming his lungs out.
I stopped after a while and just let him sleep in the carriage until Char came home. I felt pretty bad about it, except of course that I stopped in time, when I realized it did not work. That I did have that much sense, after trying for several hours.
Sometimes even small victories has to count.
When you have children you automatically have more conflicts - the adults. Being 42 and 43 is no security against that.
If your relationship is old, too, and has grown old through trials then age is, however, makes you more secure in your ability to solve the conflicts that do arise.
The big contrast to the occasional sinking feeling about how the birth went is of course the one we experience every day, with Jay. I swear that baby has the world's cutest smile and I am sure I can prove scientifically that no other baby smiles just as wonderfully as Jay does! 🙂
What it means is that those feelings of love and connection, whenever I hold him, are so overwhelming that very few things in life quite compare. And fortunately, those feelings are the sea whereas the memory of the night he came is more like an island that grows more and more distant as time passes.
I said something about how tired we both were of looking after Jay and she disagreed, even though she was dead-tired. I know why, but I was tempted to argue about it anyway.
I stopped and just closed the door. To the office. Not the perfect solution, but Jay was asleep and so will she be.
Not arguing with me about how tired we are because it takes a toll looking after the child we both love.