I said something about how tired we both were of looking after Jay and she disagreed, even though she was dead-tired. I know why, but I was tempted to argue about it anyway.
I stopped and just closed the door. To the office. Not the perfect solution, but Jay was asleep and so will she be.
Not arguing with me about how tired we are because it takes a toll looking after the child we both love.
I briefly wondered what would have happened if the midwife had not discovered that she had set the wrong date for medically induced labor to begin with. I even asked about it but she said it was fine and I figured I must've gotten something wrong about that 'only a week past the term'. Maybe they calculated it differently than I thought?
In any case, it's only a few days and a few percentage points of extra risk that were at stake, so I have let it go. I still try to keep affirming that things are going to go 'right', so here's the chance again.
And I take it.
I'm not particularly anxious anymore, except in flashes, about how it's all going to go down, at the birth and 18 years+ afterwards.
Not exactly sure why, but perhaps it's because we've been thinking about this 24/7 for many months now, so I at least - but Char, too, I think - have become kind of used to this state of worry and expectation. So even though we still worry, and still expect, the feelings don't seem nearly as overwhelming now as they were some months ago. It's become kind of every-day, this new existence of ours, as parents.
And that, I suppose, is exactly as it should be.
So the list is long - of things we can still do to get ready to make the birth as little as an ordeal as possible, to the degree we believe it is possible to control pain and anxiety of an even that is as natural and old and beyond human control as anything. To get ready for that, and for the many strange and extraordinary things we're going to have to deal with as newly minted not-quite-so-spry parents.
But sometimes ... like tonight I find myself thinking that it's okay to have a little faith and not be obsessive about all that, and just relax and watch a movie.
On the other hand, I truly felt that I wouldn't mind that excuse, if it had been me, to break off the meeting between old friends - 'because my children were sick'.
I'm just going to have one child in this life. And I look forward to caring for him, even when he is sick and it is annoying.
I probably can't keep up that attitude of looking forward all minutes of the future, but I can when it matters. When I have to. I am sure of that.
Perhaps that's all I need to be sure of, when it comes to having a child for the first time.