Sometimes you have to make some categorical decisions about friendships, or what was like that but now only seems like. Sometimes you have to do that and then face the truth about what is real between you and another person now. Not what you hope for. Doesn't matter if it's guy or girl, friendship or romantic relation, colleague or some other relation of substance.
You have to evaluate it, have to see what's there and decide, if it's not there, what you are willing to invest to maybe upgrade the relation to that level you want.
The past stuff doesn't give you anything in the present. You have learned those lessons, moved on. You no longer care about certain topics. And good for that.
In what ways does this relate to existing relationships?
I think it is relevant if your 'friendship' exists mostly because of some intense experiences you have had in the past: Some stuff that happened in the past, which may have been good and all but which is no longer relevant. And nothing new has taken its place.
No new common interests, shared values, mutual projects or the like.
I've had friendships like that, where we kept seeing each other for years - not even realizing how much we had drifted apart on all accounts. But we kept seeing each other, going to the movies together, sending out birthday invites etc.
Because ending a friendship more or less formally - or informally by letting contact wind down ... that is a hard thing to do. In many ways there is probably more taboo around this than ending a romantic relationship.
But here's the thing: whomever stole this CD from the mail had at least the decency to glue the envelope together again so I got the personal letter from my friend, which accompanied the CD.
My friendship with MRN and LR, my memories of our times together, my appreciation of the music of LR - none of that has been damaged by this theft. It just made me angry for a brief moment.
But I like to think that whomever did this put the envelope back in circulation, because he or she had a sense of that friendship, too, because they couldn't avoid seeing there was a personal letter attached. And that was something this petty thief could not make him or herself disrespect.
Maybe it is my imagination, maybe it doesn't matter. What matters is that I found that focus, after being angry at first.
Much can be achieved if only those damned habits are changed. Like ... our dreams.
It's real. So real. And I see it now so clearly. So I have to do it.
Not just with investing time to get more friends. With everything.
So there must be some lack in her, like there has been in me for years, which makes her reach out for the kind of attention which seems not really to be about helping other people, more like helping herself ... to something. And it is pissing me off.
But I can let go of it after a few days, not just because I see the same attention-seeker in myself from years back.
But because the other side of the story is that she is down there, saving lives. And it is certainly that which she wants as well. I'm up here and so are many others.
She is down there, in Africa, doing the hard work. Sacrificing time, money and security, and a bit of family as well - to do it. And she will go again and again. For the rest of her life.
She is doing the hard, difficult and dirty work of saving people nobody cares about.
That gives her the right to yearn for attention, and I should remind myself of that whenever possible.
My friend is very learned but also very down-to-earth, especially around his kids. And his wife is a very strong, caring woman.
I wish I would find excuses to see them more often than when we have kids ourselves.
I wish I did not think about any excuses for seeing any fine friends more often.
it's not just that my friend helps with a trivial thing, like moving a table, although it costs him on a busy schedule. He would have done that anyway, on most days.
But he helps *and* knows.
Knows me. Knows children.
Knows changes. Knows time.
And I know that he knows and cares.
That moment today with him then ... would not have been possible 25 years ago ... because some moments need to mature.
To grow old in the right way. For the right purpose.
Like something you drink that warms you for a long time after.
That's worth it. Worth our age.