Maybe it is the wrong choice but if there is one thing I have learnt it is that it is important to husband your resources. There are only so much crisis you can deal with at the time, or trauma healing, or difficult emotions. Sometimes you have to let the days and time heal as well. And the concern for others.
Sometimes when I have a few spare hours to myself after so much practical work I can really feel torn, if I should do more writing or blogging or maybe even business. But I have to sometimes let go and just watch a damn TV-series. Not all of the time, but sometimes and this was one of those times and it did me a world of good.
That and a whiskey before bed.
We talk a walk by the fjord and went to a cafe and had some coffee and Jay slept (most of the time) in his carriage.
We surfed the internet and watched some lame TV and generally did nothing.
Because I knew that that is what I needed after these past weeks' drain.
And so I managed. Despite the mist over the fjord.
When dark things do happen to you - loved ones die, illness, separation and much more - one of the first things to remember is to ask for help. It is so easily forgotten, but it is the first best step out of the dark.
We are not unable to function, that was never the case. But we are hurt. And no matter how much or how little others have been hurt compared to us, and no matter that we are beyond grateful for the result of that experience, we have to acknowledge that it was just that - something that hurt us.
And we have to heal. And take time to do it.
The very ACT of slowing down, and timing out, will leave us with that place in the movie where the brilliant businessman or the overworked janitor or famous fashionista or dedicated housewife takes a walk along the beach or in the woods and ... is present.
.... In their own life.
... Dares to think about it all ... good and bad.
Feels it. And maybe ... make some changes when coming home. Going up on the hill and scout the horizon of life.
So maybe this is odd, but I swear - it has made me feel more alive than what I have felt in a long time.
Just thinking, talking and acting slower - much slower - than I usually do. This is how to do it.
This is how to get that quality - that presence - that mindfulness - call it what you want.
This is to get what I longed for, but didn't know that I longed for until I felt really, really empty inside for months on end... And I have.
But it is over now. I will keep this way of being here in the world up this time. This time I will be here - with every part of my self.