Perhaps it is smarter to do as I stated above and then try to create that situation now, which I want, and then expand it gradually as best I can - like a pool spilling over into the areas outside of the pool ... or something.
Instead of pretending or imagining that I am in a desert thirsting and I have to try to reach a pool somewhere in the distance?
I have to imagine I have a small pool now and focusing on making that grow and spill over.
But more often than not, for my own life at least, I've found that I need to balance passion, purpose and profit - not try to force it into one place or activity. One thing I do is what I am most passionate about, work-wise. Another contains the most purpose. Another the most profit. Each contain a little bit of the other, but they are separate.
Will it change in the future? I want it to, honestly. But for now it seems like I have to strike a balance, and learn to strike it better every day. Like most other humans.
Passive income is nothing but a pipe dream - sitting there on the beach, blogging a bit and sipping a drink and then the millions roll in.
But a lot of people are earning from that dream. Just not the ones buying it.
I admit it: I am a self-keep-a-down-holic.
I have hurt more people by not exploiting my full potential and changing the world and earning more money to share than I have by keeping myself down.
I will have to have the courage to look at that statement every day from now on and really feel how much it hurts. Only then, I feel, can I begin to see - deep deep down - that what I have been doing so far has been wrong and has not worked.
I have saved no one, not even myself.
If there is a power in admitting the truth, I so badly want to feel it now.
So ... marketing. That is something I will have to do something about, because currently nobody is visiting The Blog. Except one or two people a week, and I don't even know if they are people. They might be robots ...
But fair enough. These are some hard insights and I'm not sure I won't get impatient again and try to channel (too much) energy into improving my web-business or my live talk income when I should really just focus on building and marketing The Blog, and eventually develop products for it.
I'm not sure at all.
But now I am sure of what I want. And that is worth a lot.
I may not get what I want in terms of money, but I will get answers. I have to. I can't just let all those rivers carry me away anymore - to a destination I don't decide.
I decide one thing and that is that I WILL have answers. For my sake. For my family's sake.
I will fight for myself and my happiness. I will.
And at the very least I will get knowledge.
And in that decision alone, lies hope.
On the other hand, unless a truck runs over my hands or a meteor hits my eyes, I will be able to write at least 500 words per day on average. I've proven that already for extended periods of time. I'm proving it now with my most recent story.
So maybe 2 years could work, but what if it's 5 - or even 10? The time is going to pass anyway, and - especially considering past failures to hang on and persist - I think my future self of 53 will thank me for having written nearly 2 million words, spread out on, say, 73 self-published short novels of about 25K words a piece.
And what if it's only 60 - or even 50?
Unless something really, really bad happens, I could do this, if I persist.
And no matter what the hell the market looks like in 2027 I could earn something in the league of thousands. And that will be nice, both for my personal satisfaction, for feeling passionate about life and for relief when the shit hits the fan in other areas of life.
I know it sounds puritan but what choice do I have? If I want to write and finish a story, in some format, and make some money this way in the future - instead of all the other ways that I'm sick of - then ... I've got to be puritan.
Or serious, if you will.
No 'rewards' for a long hard day's work, like noise or sweets.
Just use my last to get that story done, or writing of equal importance - like this.
Then what's left of time and energy can be used to give myself a reward.
If I feel I still need one.
I want to make money by myself but in more joyful ways than I do now. It's not about passive income over active income, although I once not so long ago deluded myself into believing that that was all it was about.
It's about more joyful ways of making income. Of continually raising the bar.
That's a new status quo worth fighting for. And one that might just this time make me keep fighting long enough until I get to it.