It is not so trite as to say that all things can be made better by only focusing on 'giving me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change'.
It is about focusing more on what can be changed, and realizing this is actually a lot - inside.
What can redeem all of this is if I can put that insight and sense of humility to good use, for myself or others, in the future, and thus leave something of deep value behind.
What will destroy everything that is left is if I allow this sense of being humbled to overwhelm me in despair, shame, self-recrimination, thrown back and forth between these emotions like a ping-pong ball mind.
So I have to choose.
How the hell can you gain anything by not focusing on it?
How the hell can you make something real for you that you badly want by constantly criticizing yourself for not having it?
How can you arrive at a place without setting a course?
We felt bereft of the birth we had imagined and ashamed that we couldn't just concentrate on the joy of our son 100 percent and all kinds of confusion and ... trauma I guess. It was all muddled up.
But by making the decision that this was not the full story, even though I didn't know how this chapter of my life would be meaningful in the future, I managed to created my first strand of hope.
Awareness of a behavior you want to change is the first step to that change. Even if it is an awareness you don't like. Especially if it is an awareness you don't like. You just have to be brave enough to keep it and not run away from it, as you usually do, and feel how much you don't like it.
That's when you realize you must change.
So yeah, even if it is insane and all that. I hereby take a 30 day challenge, not to use the Internet for anything else than that which is vital, such as communicating with clients or family. Or if it is to do with something specific that furthers my goals, like writing more or drawing.
Then we will see if I can do more than just try to detox and cleanse my mind for limited periods, but actually do and change something that's even deeper ... the program in my mind that want's to tox it all again.
Our son should have been born today, at least according to the doctors' predictions. He wasn't.
Not a world-shattering problem, but I must admit the waiting time is getting to us. So we tried to make the best of it and went out into the sun.