We felt bereft of the birth we had imagined and ashamed that we couldn't just concentrate on the joy of our son 100 percent and all kinds of confusion and ... trauma I guess. It was all muddled up.
But by making the decision that this was not the full story, even though I didn't know how this chapter of my life would be meaningful in the future, I managed to created my first strand of hope.
Awareness of a behavior you want to change is the first step to that change. Even if it is an awareness you don't like. Especially if it is an awareness you don't like. You just have to be brave enough to keep it and not run away from it, as you usually do, and feel how much you don't like it.
That's when you realize you must change.
So yeah, even if it is insane and all that. I hereby take a 30 day challenge, not to use the Internet for anything else than that which is vital, such as communicating with clients or family. Or if it is to do with something specific that furthers my goals, like writing more or drawing.
Then we will see if I can do more than just try to detox and cleanse my mind for limited periods, but actually do and change something that's even deeper ... the program in my mind that want's to tox it all again.
Our son should have been born today, at least according to the doctors' predictions. He wasn't.
Not a world-shattering problem, but I must admit the waiting time is getting to us. So we tried to make the best of it and went out into the sun.
Your doubts must never be allowed to just grip you and tell you things are like this or that feeling, especially the future.
The future is not set, but you have to force yourself to imagine it in a very particular way, finding an argument why it will be in a certain way, and making that feel plausible. Then you break it up - the doubt.
Because doubt seems to be defined by its ability to freeze us in time. It can tell us that this moment is all that exists and that your efforts to change the future can't really matter for that reason.
Well, it is a lie. And if somebody is lying you in the face, your natural instinct should be to tell them flat out why they are wrong.
Difficult clients don't go away. The hole in my bank account doesn't go away. Char's birth is going to hurt her.
But even though I am doing a reasonable job trying to shape my feelings about all of these life experiences in a more positive and constructive direction (without succumbing to unrealistic or ludicrous perspectives), I still feel it is not enough.
I could do better. I could create a larger and sunnier 'kingdom of the soul'.
So that is what I am going to do. For the rest of my life.
I can't change clothes. I can't get into shape. I can't just magically impose order on the thousand uncertainties in my life right now (again).
But I can sit down and think. Slowly. Precisely. With care. Much care.
And regain some sense of being 'up there'. I don't know how else to describe it.
So here it is then, the start:
A poem ...
So maybe this is odd, but I swear - it has made me feel more alive than what I have felt in a long time.
Just thinking, talking and acting slower - much slower - than I usually do. This is how to do it.
This is how to get that quality - that presence - that mindfulness - call it what you want.
This is to get what I longed for, but didn't know that I longed for until I felt really, really empty inside for months on end... And I have.
But it is over now. I will keep this way of being here in the world up this time. This time I will be here - with every part of my self.
These past days I've been feeling stressed - too stressed, thoughts racing, even my movements too rapid. Like a film set to go at 1.25 instead of 1.00 speed. And that is 0.25 points too much.
This Will Not Stand.
The quality of my life is measured by how I experience it and I have to chose to experience it differently now. Before it gets too late all over again.
A part of that decision is about saying no to certain experiences, out in the world. Another part is saying no to thoughts like racehorses in my inner world.
But above all I have to take it seriously and not just let myself be cascaded away by outer and inner events.
I have to stop. And start over.
For my life.