I feel too tired right now to type anymore, but I'm sure there is more. I guess life is like that elephant you have to eat in bits.
Very well, that is not a bad meal, if you accept that that is how it is.
I admit it: I am a self-keep-a-down-holic.
I have hurt more people by not exploiting my full potential and changing the world and earning more money to share than I have by keeping myself down.
I will have to have the courage to look at that statement every day from now on and really feel how much it hurts. Only then, I feel, can I begin to see - deep deep down - that what I have been doing so far has been wrong and has not worked.
I have saved no one, not even myself.
If there is a power in admitting the truth, I so badly want to feel it now.
Your power today stems from the past, but you have to look for it and appreciate it. Don't just use the past as a hiding place or some place to feel perversely bitter about.
Use it to remind yourself of the power that you do have. It's not about hair-loss, a bigger belly or a divorce or a failed business or the number on your birth certificate.
It's about something much more important and powerful: What you now know about life that you can and will use to make a positive difference today and in the future.
I'm sick of thinking about this particular aspect of my life in that way: 'I lack'.
It would be prudent of me to train myself to think - without deluding myself - of this aspect of life in new ways. Especially if I never solve it.
It's good to remember that if I write 500 words per day on stories I love for the next 10 years then making mental room and spending calendar time for and on that ... is worth the most.
Worth a lot more, actually, than the money I will receive eventually for my efforts.
I'll experiment with my prices and some things I won't do, some things I will. Other things I will regret doing for that price, and still other things I would like to repeat - like my historical talks:350 bucks for 2 hours of enjoyable work - let me have more of that!
But aside from food and shelter for ourselves and our son, I bloody won't be constrained by having to chase a certain kind of client with a certain size of wallet, not because I'm more interested in them or a better match with my skills.
But because they are able to pay my rent for an apartment with three extra rooms I don't use.
One of the days when I felt ... affected somehow to see other persons as annoying or hostile towards me, intentionally. First choice of view.
Whatever the reason, I feel glad to say that I managed to let go of it all at the end of the day.
And let go of my looming hostility towards myself for not being able to let go of it all sooner.
So if creating order on the outside doesn't work to that end, something is wrong. Stop.
And start again with the inside, with the feelings. With changing those.
Like when I lay down on my bed and tried to just relax instead of stressing about dust on shelves, always falling. And other silliness.
Start inside with making peace when that's the best, direct route to peace - inside.
I guess that's what I did today, in my own halting way.