December 7, 2017We can only wait and see, but the important thing to me is that even though I feel personally (and I would never argue this to my mother) that it had been best to let it go without chemo, since this is her choice (as it should be) there may be an important gain here. There may be a blessing in disguise here. Something that we can call out, if we want to, and if she doesn't get to ill and too obsessed with being ill from chemo and what to do for daily relief. And I'm putting a big parenthesis around the fact that we may - may - have bought her x number of more years to live. We will never know that. But if cancer ever resurfaces she will be more ready, I believe. She will also, importantly, know she has done what she could. The opposite side of that coin is to feel cursed, of course. But avoiding a guilt trip if your life is threatened again, that is more important now. As is finding a place for this ghost in our souls. I believe the path my mother has chosen now can be useful to find that place. It may lead to even more and more blessed places I cannot yet imagine. But first we have to deal with the everyday illness and insecurity and Christmas and all the practicalities that arise from poisoning your cells in order to achieve a result worth the pain. And so we will.
November 20, 2017I believe that it is not really possible anymore, as I believed when I was younger, to really change the world in my lifetime only contribute to some level of flow of positive change. Not very good way of putting it, but change is so slow and incremental if you want to contribute to something global and not just your immediate family or friends' lives, or your own personal development. You can work all life as a politician or voluntary worker and only see very local, very limited effects. Even the president of the United States don't have much power, since the powers that be are locked in Congress and in the idiotic voting system, and - ultimately - in people's belief systems and emotional readiness for change and for reaching out and not hiding and being reactionary. All very high-brow, but if there is one way to truly make a difference - over time - today it is on the Internet where 17 year old fashion bloggers attract 17 million followers easily. So you can get attention, you can share something widely, and - over time - you can make a difference in people's lives. I may only be able to reach a few thousand people over the years, in a way that really matters, and many more in more superfluous ways, but I do believe this is the best way - to blog. And blog to share. Experiences.
October 19, 2017But that Big Project - like writing a famous book or going to save the children in Africa somehow - is not for me. I feel other people can do these things better than I, especially because I have so little capital - financial, political, cultural when it comes to Africa. When it comes to famous books, I just don't feel like that any longer. As I've already written about I know this motivation has been in me, for some reason, and it is deeply wrong. And the list goes on. These are just two of the Big Things, I've chased and tried to do with my life and then not really done. But maybe I don't need to. Maybe I just need to share all that I have learned.
September 24, 2017But obviously, and learned the hard way, such things come at a price and maybe it makes more sense to lend a hand to cousin R, a serial entrepreneur, who needs input on how to make his new self-brewed beer brand biological (and who actually wants it), instead of burning hours trying to convince someone against their will to shift political positions to something I believe is 'better'.
September 18, 2017Maybe I should just accept that - for whatever reason - the negative self-critic is still part of me. The part that says I have not achieved enough earning money or being famous. And then leave it at that and make my best efforts to move on and realize some of the purpose, like The Blog, or that charity project. Purpose that I know to be real and good for me, no discussion. Once that realization is bigger and fills out much of the current vacuum then the voice should have less power. So perhaps the voice addresses a true need after all. For I feel I am not doing enough to promote The Blog (as mentioned earlier) and I feel that is a problem. I also miss doing something real for charity again, and preferably with Char. Or at least have some definite goal or vision for that part of our lives, instead of just focusing - as is difficult not to - on the daily problems and challenges, esp. with an infant son and irregular income. So perhaps the voice is calling my attention to a true need, but it does so in the wrong way. It fills the actual vacuum of my life right now with calls to do something that is superficial.
September 1, 2017It is logical to dream. More than that. It is necessary. In some ways as necessary as eating or breathing. I know these are big words, but just think: What is your life worth if you constantly restrain yourself from dreaming 'too much' - imagining the good stuff you want to experience, to have, to think, to realize? What's it worth? Your life becomes mediocre - no, worse: A shell. Don't go that way. Turn right now - and start dreaming more.
August 25, 2017I have to do this now, before everything else becomes 'too important' again, though - including making money sooner rather than later.
August 8, 2017But in my experience we, the people, forget so often to ask them ourselves: What makes me really happy? What I do now? The way I do what I do now to get something better in the future? Or ... ? We forget. And run in all sorts of directions for peace, happiness and joy, even if we are so often missing them. Chasing wild geese ... like that stressful drive up the career ladder or whatever it is that makes no sense to strive for to become happy in the future, if it is done in such a way or if it is for such a goal so as to make us miserable for a long time in the present.
July 13, 2017We do have to accept the difficult birth of Jay and move on. And to some degree we already have. We both know it is necessary. We just have some pain left that is difficult to keep inside or find a place for. Some painful memories. We have to accept those, not feel ashamed. The question is how? Will a dream that may or may not have been precognitive about the experience help? Will it help if I tell Char about it? Will she even believe it? I don't know. I just know I have to get on with my work today, and then later with caring for Jay. That is what is necessary right now. I will have to let this go. That is the right thing. For now. And then return to it later. For a while. Try to learn to keep it in me a bit more or maybe find a better place for it. That is also the right thing.
July 1, 2017But more often than not, for my own life at least, I've found that I need to balance passion, purpose and profit - not try to force it into one place or activity. One thing I do is what I am most passionate about, work-wise. Another contains the most purpose. Another the most profit. Each contain a little bit of the other, but they are separate. Will it change in the future? I want it to, honestly. But for now it seems like I have to strike a balance, and learn to strike it better every day. Like most other humans.