And I can say it just like it is: If you cum while masturbating to porn or with someone you hardly know there is a sure-fire void after that, right there in the middle of your chest where your heart is supposed to be. It's not a sin. It is not a disaster. And your hands definitely won't fall off.
But if you cum while having sex with someone you love - in a way you both love - then that orgasm can go all the way to the heart. And even if it doesn't, you feel your heart more than you did before you had sex. Not less.
Banal, I suppose? And yet it can be excruciatingly difficult to remember.
Even if I worked all I could and stressed about it - especially the marketing part - there would be no earnings guarantee. The money lost from my insistence on 'contributing' by buying half the food, more or less, is penalized with 14.5 per cent interest on my credit account. Better to take that money from Char's savings and inheritance, obviously. I mean, do we have a joint economy or what? Maybe I am not contributing much, economically, but it is still joint.
Let's make some rational choices, then ...
I wonder why it took me so long to see this. I guess it was a mixture of interference from life-stress (like the stuff with my mother's cancer) and habit and an idea that Char wanted me to pay my part and that I should because I am ... what? ... the man of the house.
But Char also want's help when she can only use one hand more or less. And she wants less stress at home. And more quality time and some sweet time, too. With me.
So that is my contribution.
So we should see to it in the new year that we take more time off together - maybe go to another city and just loaf, go more to cafes and a bit on restaurants. We have to dig into Char's inheritance and maternity leave insurance, unless I make more money soon. But I think it is necessary.
And yes, these are sweet activities we can do with Jay - i.e. without a sitter. He is still very young and it would be a lot to leave him for a night with someone else. It would not work yet.
But go a bit more out together (and with Jay) that would work. Maybe going to another city and playing tourists. Just that.
It will be enough. For now.
But we have to do it!
I'd really love to see this outcome - that she got a huge chunk done in the first, say, 6 months. If she looks like she is prioritizing that I'd prioritize it, too. And I'd let her know beforehand that I am willing to risk less business, as long as our savings still hold. And then do this with her. I have let her know such a view before.
But I don't think it will go this way. And I have to accept that. I think she will dabble a little and then ... the Distractions.
It is okay. I love her. I love what we have together - all the rest. But I would really love for us to have this, too.
Not just to be able to better afford to pay someone to do our laundry every day, or live in a bigger place. Not just that.
Because it feels good - the idea of having our own business that has to do with a topic we are passionate about, and which might make a difference - very concretely, if we generate a surplus.
So I guess what I will have to do is to find a place for that dream. It should be like one of the old battleships - they are now museum ships but by law there is kept enough of the old shells around to reactivate them for service if need be. Or so I've read.
So maybe we can do this another day and win that battle to get it done.
But I will be realistic for now. And a good partner.
You see, I promised to drive Char to our nephew's 4th birthday down south and I told everybody I would come later because I was going to this old friend get-together.
But instead I will drive home and be alone for some hours, I think, and just think about all the things I have not had time to think about with Jay, with my ill mum, with work, with doing dishes.
Just me and some coffee and some stillness.
At a price. But here's the chance.
That sort of thing which is forgettable but incredibly important. For all of us.
“Real friendship or love is not manufactured or achieved by an act of will or intention. Friendship is always an act of recognition.”
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom
I feel this is true of family, too - as family gets to know each other over the years, and come closer. That is the ideal, anyway. But it exists. It does in my family. And we are blessed because of it.
Even the mildest of things, the most innocent of situations can suddenly become an argument, or the auto-reaction to a perceived attack.
I'd like to say that Char is more responsible than I, it is certainly what I feel at times. But in reality, I know, we are both responsible.
And the reason is probably that we, despite our age and experience and love for each other, are strung out at times by baby Jay, and me by trying to do the business.
In addition ...
But the only relevant question here is what we will do with this awareness. Because there is not so much else we can change now about our circumstances. Only our will to react differently to these.
In general: I don't leave people.
And I do keep promises.
And I do do my best to help, even if it means making someone happy that they have a nice-looking webshop despite soon having to close the real shop.
That's what I do and that's who I am. And somehow that feels quite all right.
Everything just blew up this morning, our frustrations, my stress. So much for the podcast I actually managed to make yesterday for my product line about peace, joy etc.
After the initial waves, had lasted, though ... I just gave up. I think we both did.
Sat and stared into the air, playing distractedly with Jay.
But it helped. Realizing you can't really do anything but lie down and wait. Give up, in a sense.
After steam has blown, just wait for it to evaporate. Accept that things are going to be muddled and nothing will be perfect for a while.
Then start rebuild, bit by bit.