I'd really love to see this outcome - that she got a huge chunk done in the first, say, 6 months. If she looks like she is prioritizing that I'd prioritize it, too. And I'd let her know beforehand that I am willing to risk less business, as long as our savings still hold. And then do this with her. I have let her know such a view before.
But I don't think it will go this way. And I have to accept that. I think she will dabble a little and then ... the Distractions.
It is okay. I love her. I love what we have together - all the rest. But I would really love for us to have this, too.
Not just to be able to better afford to pay someone to do our laundry every day, or live in a bigger place. Not just that.
Because it feels good - the idea of having our own business that has to do with a topic we are passionate about, and which might make a difference - very concretely, if we generate a surplus.
So I guess what I will have to do is to find a place for that dream. It should be like one of the old battleships - they are now museum ships but by law there is kept enough of the old shells around to reactivate them for service if need be. Or so I've read.
So maybe we can do this another day and win that battle to get it done.
But I will be realistic for now. And a good partner.
You see, I promised to drive Char to our nephew's 4th birthday down south and I told everybody I would come later because I was going to this old friend get-together.
But instead I will drive home and be alone for some hours, I think, and just think about all the things I have not had time to think about with Jay, with my ill mum, with work, with doing dishes.
Just me and some coffee and some stillness.
At a price. But here's the chance.
That sort of thing which is forgettable but incredibly important. For all of us.
“Real friendship or love is not manufactured or achieved by an act of will or intention. Friendship is always an act of recognition.”
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom
I feel this is true of family, too - as family gets to know each other over the years, and come closer. That is the ideal, anyway. But it exists. It does in my family. And we are blessed because of it.
Even the mildest of things, the most innocent of situations can suddenly become an argument, or the auto-reaction to a perceived attack.
I'd like to say that Char is more responsible than I, it is certainly what I feel at times. But in reality, I know, we are both responsible.
And the reason is probably that we, despite our age and experience and love for each other, are strung out at times by baby Jay, and me by trying to do the business.
In addition ...
But the only relevant question here is what we will do with this awareness. Because there is not so much else we can change now about our circumstances. Only our will to react differently to these.
In general: I don't leave people.
And I do keep promises.
And I do do my best to help, even if it means making someone happy that they have a nice-looking webshop despite soon having to close the real shop.
That's what I do and that's who I am. And somehow that feels quite all right.
Everything just blew up this morning, our frustrations, my stress. So much for the podcast I actually managed to make yesterday for my product line about peace, joy etc.
After the initial waves, had lasted, though ... I just gave up. I think we both did.
Sat and stared into the air, playing distractedly with Jay.
But it helped. Realizing you can't really do anything but lie down and wait. Give up, in a sense.
After steam has blown, just wait for it to evaporate. Accept that things are going to be muddled and nothing will be perfect for a while.
Then start rebuild, bit by bit.
I want to create something worthwhile that can contribute to the world, with my girlfriend. We have some ideas and plans. And we need to make good on them. It's never too late. And more importantly, it's one of the reasons, I believe, that we are together.