It is tolerable to work like this , more than any other work I have done before. But I know I will feel bereft if I end this life and have not found out how to make money from something that I feel more ... right. Not necessarily something deeply purposeful - that is The Blog and that is enough, regardless of circumstances. But something that is ... more fun, where I use more of my skills, more of 'me'. And that has always been storytelling-
And so I have embarked on Hammer and Magic, my next try to do some fiction with a little bit of art this time and make it work - this time. Not as a comic book, not as a novel - for those media have failed me. I suspect it will be a site for roleplayers with stories and a world and perhaps some sales down the line of paperbacks and t-shirts and maybe premium memberships. We will see.
It is honestly not so important. What is important is that I do it and that I do it in the right way.
And that also means recognizing that I can't really have a joyful day unless I do this first, now that I have the chance while alone. And I need only an hour to create that joy.
I need to learn, too, but more about how to create synergy between my bread-work, my current passion project for writing and, of course, my highest purpose work - which is The Blog.
But in recent days I have found a break, while Char and Jay were sleeping and I just did it - another installment of Hammer and Magic.
That will have to do for now ...
About Hammer and Magic: I have been a role-player for 26 years now and I am attracted to creating this universe around my story, on a website and in a forum I control and where anyone can join and role-play and share their own stories and art taking place in the universe. That along with my story and my art. Sure, I could do that with a view to marketing my stuff to generate sales on existing platforms, but I want to do it because that is the kind of platform I want to end up with.
Then I can always decide later if I want to go the route of publishing via other channels. Oh, and I seriously think the story itself should be free. I can build a variety of income-streams from T-shirt sales to printed books.
I am not saying this is how I should go about it or how I definitely will go about it. I will stress again that first and foremost I don't do this to make money, but to rejuvenate myself in my precious periods of free time.
I am also fully okay with doing the commercialization at some later time when it feels feasible and then finding out that I could not earn enough money to achieve my financial goals, let alone recoup my investment in IT-infrastructure and so on.
Fine. I know why I do this art project now. Finally. And I know what I should be doing if I want to seriously make money on it any time soon. And why I am not doing it. Not yet, anyway ...
That is a huge relief.
In the middle of everything, I manage to write the start of the next chapter of Hammer and Magic. That gives me more energy than - almost - anything else I have managed.
Nothing more really needs to be said. But all of this needs to be remembered - every day.
That is another good form of beginning, I suppose: To constantly imagine what I will draw, even if I don't have time yet to draw it. Or have even decided how ambitious I am going to be, and can possible be, about it.
But these are seeds, and they are nurtured at times when I am slogging through the winter rain to get some thing or other for Jay's dinner from one of the few super markets open.
And thus they grow.
I can't really imagine what Jay will be like in just a few years time. But I know he will be someone else in a way, older, more grown up. And I know it to a point where I feel it, in some strange way. Like there is a sense of who he will be, even if I can't spell out clearly who that is. There is a sense of that right now.
It is a very strange feeling. But I look forward to seeing it come true.
Whenever for some reason I experience such ... mess in my head, my experience tells me that I should find an anchor-point. Something to focus on. Something that is positive, even if it doesn't feel like the answer to any of those problems, imagined or otherwise.
I think writing is a good start ...
So maybe this is stupid. Another false start. Another hope that won't really come to anything. Another groping in the dark.
But I have to keep this search up, after a story with art that I can do, at this point in my life, because I need to do such creativity.
I have to keep up the search.
Otherwise, what is there but to sit in the dark and wait for it to become all there is?