So: Beauty can be used as a question - "is this beautiful to do or think"? - in order to gain more of a beautiful experience. It just has to be made a habit to ask that question. And that is, as always, the hard part.
And if you leave something open doesn't mean there is no answer or only negative answers - to The Big Questions - like "where do immortals come from" or "is there a God".
It just means the jury is still out and the answers could be good and more than you can imagine.
I probably won't answer or prove where any sudden revelation of clarity comes from, but I feel I need to shift my energy here and believe that there is a source - inside or outside - that will bring me clarity. Without having to research (that much). And without having to think more (that much). And without having to experiment and google more blogs (not that many anyway) to try my ideas and intuition out on reality.
In short: Some source that can help me - point me more in the right direction, so I don't go somewhere and suddenly see that Wall again I've seen so many times when trying to figure out how to be creative and enjoy it and earn a buck and make a little difference at the same time.
Some power that I don't feel I currently have myself to clarify this idea and its potential. Or to help me put it aside - again. At least for now.
I have to do that. And relax. And the answers will come.
And so I try it and I will let you know when they come
If I had chronically ill parents I would pray and recommend others doing so. MRN might need something else, at least in the short term. Maybe for the rest of the term.
But what is it? Is it something I can help with?
For the sake of our friendship I will let this question linger much and return to it, and pray for an answer. That way I can use my belief to help him, even if he does not believe in it or can benefit from a similar point-of-view.
If I should believe in a more advanced version of this cosmology I just outlined - walk the talk - I would have to have faith that when the time is right people would begin to remember, just as I believe I have done.
This remembrance could take the form of an experience - say, of being helped when praying in whatever manner feels right for the individual.
It will come when the time is right because we all connected to a power - a wholeness - some call it "God" - which drives us towards this point, but also allows us to remain in ignorance as long as it fulfills an overall purpose of 'recharging' our mental batteries; providing enough contrast of experience so we can exist on in more boundless dimensions for a good chunk more of eternity - once again.
That is the kind of perspective I guess I have to keep, although it is not satisfactory in and of itself. I would like to help those who are ready to open themselves to the Bigger Perspective. I would like to recognize those fellow humans better.
So I can act, perhaps on an inspiration, and give them what they need. Not to believe in a specific religion but to gain more hope and well-being, like I described above, and then some pointers for setting out and finding their own answers.
Answers which can be experienced and have practical relevance in people's lives ... they must not just be answers that are purely abstract and cannot be tested or experienced.
We have had enough of these from established religions.
But my experience is - esp. from when I was terribly ill - that we do turn to God in times of need, to something Higher. Or the belief in it. Many of us do just that and it is natural and well. So those words the priest writes down for us from the Bible, at baptism or birth, they might not mean much while everything is going well but when everything is not, they will.
Char and I have always felt that there was Something Greater, even if we have had difficulty defining what it was. So no question about this - Jay will be baptized to show that we want for him to feel connected to that Something Greater, too, when he grows up.
Then he can make his own choice at confirmation - if that's what he wants, too.
I like to believe everything is connected and that there are signs, coming from deeper - most unexpected - levels of the universe.
Of course that kind of stuff was like a label they put on me in psychiatric hospital 12 years ago: Suffering from magical thinking.
I don't really care.
So does that mean I can say that I am now relieved after the birth-experience, able to feel we are helped to heal and even to see a meaning in what happened?
No. Not yet.
I can only keep affirming what I did before - that I have faith that we will be helped to heal and to find meaning, our meaning, in what happened.
And then report the results as they come in.
If you think about it, that is not such a bad deal when it comes to faith.
And it certainly is a test of faith.
But I suppose that is good and right. How else can we experience faith if it is not tested?
I want to focus on our story now and the ways we try to have faith that this, for us, very new and demanding situation - like so many others - ultimately will have some kind of good outcome. Meaning we can feel. Benefit we can use. The experience of help from unexpected sides. Deeper insights revealed. All of the power and beauty of life which is just beneath the surface of seemingly random and dangerous currents.
And I know at least one very good outcome that will outweigh a lot of bumps on the road, this weekend and in the years to come.
And he is our son.