But my experience is - esp. from when I was terribly ill - that we do turn to God in times of need, to something Higher. Or the belief in it. Many of us do just that and it is natural and well. So those words the priest writes down for us from the Bible, at baptism or birth, they might not mean much while everything is going well but when everything is not, they will.
Char and I have always felt that there was Something Greater, even if we have had difficulty defining what it was. So no question about this - Jay will be baptized to show that we want for him to feel connected to that Something Greater, too, when he grows up.
Then he can make his own choice at confirmation - if that's what he wants, too.
I like to believe everything is connected and that there are signs, coming from deeper - most unexpected - levels of the universe.
Of course that kind of stuff was like a label they put on me in psychiatric hospital 12 years ago: Suffering from magical thinking.
I don't really care.
So does that mean I can say that I am now relieved after the birth-experience, able to feel we are helped to heal and even to see a meaning in what happened?
No. Not yet.
I can only keep affirming what I did before - that I have faith that we will be helped to heal and to find meaning, our meaning, in what happened.
And then report the results as they come in.
If you think about it, that is not such a bad deal when it comes to faith.
And it certainly is a test of faith.
But I suppose that is good and right. How else can we experience faith if it is not tested?
I want to focus on our story now and the ways we try to have faith that this, for us, very new and demanding situation - like so many others - ultimately will have some kind of good outcome. Meaning we can feel. Benefit we can use. The experience of help from unexpected sides. Deeper insights revealed. All of the power and beauty of life which is just beneath the surface of seemingly random and dangerous currents.
And I know at least one very good outcome that will outweigh a lot of bumps on the road, this weekend and in the years to come.
And he is our son.
I know I'm counterproductive if I intend to have more faith on the spiritual level and then with the other part of my mind go out on a frenzy to find new clients to be ready for me - after my self-imposed leave to help this family start up.
I have to act intelligently, of course, in all business and economy matters. I'm not going out to buy a Mercedes right now. Fine.
But aside from that: I'll really try and make every intention in my mind go in the same direction.
I know - deep deep down - that it is wrong, to try to affirm faith in something as personal and powerful as a childbirth and that it will go well and then at the same time fret about money.
Either you affirm that overall all things will turn out well, and that you believe in this, no matter the bumps. Or you don't.
Faith is indivisible.
There should only be room for so much in my mind right now, like my son. And so, I have to force myself to have faith, in a number of things, even if I'm not very good at it.
But maybe that's the whole point of this particular experience, in a number of ways.
What social punishment are you willing to subject yourself to live and maintain your own version of spirituality?
Spiritual exploration or whatever you want to call it can often be a lonely path. So it takes a lot of will to keep walking it ... and not everyone has that.