So does that mean I can say that I am now relieved after the birth-experience, able to feel we are helped to heal and even to see a meaning in what happened?
No. Not yet.
I can only keep affirming what I did before - that I have faith that we will be helped to heal and to find meaning, our meaning, in what happened.
And then report the results as they come in.
If you think about it, that is not such a bad deal when it comes to faith.
And it certainly is a test of faith.
But I suppose that is good and right. How else can we experience faith if it is not tested?
I want to focus on our story now and the ways we try to have faith that this, for us, very new and demanding situation - like so many others - ultimately will have some kind of good outcome. Meaning we can feel. Benefit we can use. The experience of help from unexpected sides. Deeper insights revealed. All of the power and beauty of life which is just beneath the surface of seemingly random and dangerous currents.
And I know at least one very good outcome that will outweigh a lot of bumps on the road, this weekend and in the years to come.
And he is our son.
I know I'm counterproductive if I intend to have more faith on the spiritual level and then with the other part of my mind go out on a frenzy to find new clients to be ready for me - after my self-imposed leave to help this family start up.
I have to act intelligently, of course, in all business and economy matters. I'm not going out to buy a Mercedes right now. Fine.
But aside from that: I'll really try and make every intention in my mind go in the same direction.
I know - deep deep down - that it is wrong, to try to affirm faith in something as personal and powerful as a childbirth and that it will go well and then at the same time fret about money.
Either you affirm that overall all things will turn out well, and that you believe in this, no matter the bumps. Or you don't.
Faith is indivisible.
There should only be room for so much in my mind right now, like my son. And so, I have to force myself to have faith, in a number of things, even if I'm not very good at it.
But maybe that's the whole point of this particular experience, in a number of ways.
What social punishment are you willing to subject yourself to live and maintain your own version of spirituality?
Spiritual exploration or whatever you want to call it can often be a lonely path. So it takes a lot of will to keep walking it ... and not everyone has that.
I always thought it was a cliché, not worth much, that there is this cycle of life and death. Or perhaps of life and new life, depending on how you look at it. But I find at times like these, just thinking of the cycle is reassuring. No matter if anything happens to each and every one of us after our cycle ends.
I believe life has deep meaning, especially because it is a shadow and light dance, each contrasting the other. But I also long for something more permanent and unmovable to stand on, just for a while. Something you can return to, when you tire of the dance. It is Christmas Day soon and that reminds me not to give up hope that such a foundation exists, beneath all of it. Beneath that which is below the surface, and on the other side of the backside. And perhaps in front of it, as well.