200. Looking Back (ii)

I’ve realized – now more than ever – that I want to be free of any drive to be famous, rich – to have ‘position’.

Drivers inside for fame, money and position are, actually, chains – not drivers. That much is clear to me. A very important realization.

I’d like to elaborate on this, but it is just so … big right now. I have to wrap my head around it and try some other day.

We had a son recently, in case you didn’t notice – and his mum is 42. The doctors said we couldn’t. We tried for 7 years. We gave up. And then he came anyway. It’s crazy and crazy hard. But it is also a source of so much joy, as I think any parent can tell you.

Right now there is not so much to say about that, except that it IS a turning point and the experience is with me every day, even when I am not at home (but still thinking about it).

I think overall we have done well, and we are learning every day to do better. Also in terms of getting over the birth ‘scars’, although there is still some way to go on that, I feel. Perhaps we can only wait and let time do that work …

Replacing the 1500 USD per month I regularly earn from A Big Client is of paramount importance right now, because I am really fed up with said client. So I will go find a replacement. Nothing is more important in that regard.

So I try to find more customers and grow my network for leads. I also try to update my how-to WordPress blog as much as possible. Some leads and customers have begun to trickle in via Google.

So sad fact: I almost gave up on drawing recently (again) – although I love it. But … too little time, etc. etc.

But I have decided I am going to continue to draw, anyway. It’s a fight, but a good one.

My webdesign business is certainly one step up on the ladder if we talk about doing something I am passionate about, although ‘passion’ is not the right word. It is just … better. I get to use more of my skills, meet more people to help.

More often than not, for my own life at least, I’ve found that I need to balance passion, purpose and profit – not try to force it into one place or activity.

One thing I do is what I am most passionate about, work-wise. Another contains the most purpose. Another the most profit. Each contain a little bit of the other, but they are separate.

I want them to be more integrated, though. Much more. That feeling is as strong as ever.

So I am searching very intensely these days to define and find and develop more ‘passionate income sources’. So far results are inconclusive and that frustrates me. But I have to keep searching.

*

So all in all this is a very inconclusive Looking Back – which lots of ‘loose threads’. It is, really, more of a slightly anxious look forward, about what is to come and thinking about where I have to go.

I have to admit that. It is … inconclusive.

But at least it can serve as a map for me. I have written up here a list of what is ‘inconclusive’ and even if it sometimes feels daunting to look at, at least it gives me a sense of overview. And that I will find my way.

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