237. Stones

And somehow, I think, that got stuck in my soul. As a belief now that I’m grown up that I am wasting something precious and becoming less than I could be, by giving up drawing – at least for anything else than doodling once in a while. Maybe illustrating the occasional live-talk or other limited project.

It’s hard to explain and I can’t 100 percent sure but I think this is the truth. Because I have constantly thought as the primary reason to continue to try to find time and energy and projects to draw … that I should do this because otherwise ‘I’m wasting talent’. But that’s not the right motivation. It never was.


236. The Troll President

I can’t do anything about Trump, except perhaps write this and hope somebody will find a more constructive way to stop him from doing bad with his present power, than writing a 25 column scathing op-ed about his latest tweet. (For that will only make him stronger!)

I can remind myself, though, not to feed other trolls whenever I see them, especially on the Internet. And that the best way to starve those trolls into nothingness is to starve them off attention.


235. No Platitudes

I won’t try platitudes. I’ll just be. Here.
And wait. In the fire.
And also remind you gently that we are waiting for it to burn out.
Because it can.
It might leave embers forever. It should.
But it can burn out.
It’s only the wait that is horrible. And should not be done alone.


234. The Path Again

We are not unable to function, that was never the case. But we are hurt. And no matter how much or how little others have been hurt compared to us, and no matter that we are beyond grateful for the result of that experience, we have to acknowledge that it was just that – something that hurt us.

And we have to heal. And take time to do it.


233. What I Saw

Speaking from experience, back when I still thought we could  conceive normally, I can tell you that it quickly destroys your sex life – and peace of mind – trying to have sex by the clock each month to have a child. Maybe you can do it less … strained. But as time wears on and if you feel you are already ‘behind’ … well, that’s just not going to end good.

So my friends, MN and L, made, as far as I can tell (I have never asked directly), a measured choice: Live their lives and see what happens, even if chances diminish the more time passes. Even if 3 months pass and they don’t have sex at the right dates, I suppose. Or a year. Or …

I’m pretty sure that’s the deal they have come up with, no matter how hard that choice was.

So I see the uncertainty in their eyes when they see Jay, hold him, smile at him: “What’s going to happen for us? Did we make the right choice?”

I did see that today. No surprise, but still …

For I was afraid, I’d not see happiness – for us. Deep and honest happiness.

But I did see that.

I was afraid I would see too much doubt, when their own pain clouded things too much, and it would hurt me – and Char – too, even if understandable.

But I saw nothing like that.

I saw a glimmer of sadness and of that pain, later when we walked home and talked about a extra room they are building in their house and what it might be used for. Guests or …

But I never saw their honest sadness at their own situation overshadow their happiness for our situation. Not once.

I may be imagining things, but I really felt it energized them to see Jay – gave them some of that undefinable happiness, too, that babies tend shine into the hearts of people, even if they are not your own.

I really felt that. I hope that it was so.

Which means, I guess, that the most precious thing is still more than intact – our friendship.

And love.


232. Realizing Options

I already know his type (much like my former employer when I was in the health sector):

He is a man who deep down cares mostly if not exclusively about himself. You can give all sorts of reasons – my kid, my ability to make money with other clients, my health, etc.

He will try to make it seem like he cares and then he will make demands again, or shrug off any reasonable arguments from my side that he should not abuse my time. He has already done so on a number of occasions since February. So now I know what I am dealing with.

Including my own feelings, I guess. But that makes for a stronger ability to make choices in my favor.


231. The Mirror We Don’t Want To Look In

Why would you want to make peace with a “complete jerk”, for example – if that IS your heart-felt belief about what that this person is all about?

That kind of thinking goes on in all of us all the time. I do it each day to some extent although I try very much to restrain myself and not fall back to my earlier life behavior which was much more temperamental, much an 800-year old king.

I’m not going to drive myself over a cliff in this life-time by fostering mostly antagonistic relations to other people. But I might still do so with some people, because I still have it in me.

And I have to decide if that is good enough.


228. Reminders

Just a few hours talking about the world and everything reminded me of why friendships give you just that extra quality in life that doesn’t need anything but itself.

The experience of the quality of friendship is its value. It is not an instrument for something else.

More often than not, I fear, we tend to forget that – perhaps in more than just the relation of friendship.


227. Sailing True

If I am a sailor I expect my sailing to go relatively smooth if I know the waters and the forecast, but to expect it for sure that would mean folly.

I would not bring my life belt or life boat or radio, then, would I?

Or worse: I would not bring any excitement to the journey.

For just as bad things may  happen, just as the ordinary may very well happen, just as that … the very good things may happen, too. The very unexpected good things.

Like Jay.