Today was a rotten day. I made the call to stay at home while Char (+Jay) went 2 hours in pouring rain with train and bus to her mother’s. Char had had a bad morning, too, thinking too much about the birth and the bad feelings from that experience.
But if I don’t get something done, a lot of next week is going to go without – getting something done. Like getting new customers.
Because I’ll come down Monday to Char’s mum, then there are appointments with the health staff and hospital to check up on Jay, and some guests coming by and … I’ll not really be able to go away to the office (place) before Friday.
So I stayed home and worked Sunday and felt terrible about it. And Char texted me it had been a grueling trip all right (but without whining, of course).
But we need money, too. We need me getting my business more … expanded, and soon. Otherwise we’ll just drain the savings for that home we will hopefully be able to (borrow money to) buy in 1-2 years’ time.
At least that’s the feeling. It’s not as if there’s a panic to raise money, so maybe I should’ve gone with her.
But I made the call and stayed, after having asked if I should go and she had refused, but then added “maybe if you want”-ish post-scripts …
There were no good solutions as I see it. Char’s situations wasn’t serious enough that I absolutely had to go with her, and our financial situation wasn’t serious enough that I absolutely had to stay.
On the other hand, but situations merited attention.
So I chose what I chose because I felt it was borderline and that I had to set a precedent. I’m a nice guy. And it’s hard to keep discipline when self-employed and having to raise a baby and wanting to be nice – esp. with your spouse and help her and all that.
I feel I often could be harder and go out and do more to get my business taking off. Without being ashamed, without feeling like a bad guy.
So I chose, not to set an example, but a precedent. To push myself a little in that regard, because I felt I was slipping a bit too much to the nice-guy side generally, and I can’t see it’s any fun if I don’t earn much more in 6 month’s time. Then there is every chance Char will feel I am letting her down because of that – although she will never say as much.
And she will understand me, and sympathize, and support. But a part of her will feel I’m not doing enough. And that part will be right – as regards doing enough to earn a regular income for our family.
Arh, heck, I dunno. There are no answered chiseled in stone for this one. It all depends.
I feel I made the right call about 75-80 per cent. And I feel Char accepts this, at least after she got down there and got some help from her mum and things calmed down and Jay also felt better. (After not feeling good for a good part of the trip – with a stressed mum rolling him along and thunder in the sky above.)
But it was borderline.
And next time I might choose differently, even in an almost completely similar situation.
So much for precedent.
But that’s the tightrope and the fuzziness of being in a relationship and having a baby and having to earn money. Tightrope balance, muddling through and fuzzy decision-making.
I like to believe, though, that there is progress, greater wisdom, easier choices, as you grow older.
I feel there are. But they are hard to describe and measure.