234. The Path Again

Today we had our long-awaited meeting with the midwife who was there when Jay was born, and who explained to us in greater detail why he was born with a (for us) shock cesarean op.

I think she made her point well, and at a time when we were better able to listen. For some reason, Jay just couldn’t get out.

His little head was positioned askew in the pelvis-area, so it wasn’t pressed straight through but more to the side – which might very well explain his persistent problems with muscle tensions and putting his head mostly to one side (right). Which we have been working on with chiropractors and exercises this past month.

At some point the doctors had to make a decision, in order to get him out before he was hurt, and so they did.

I guess we thought things went better than they did, and weren’t aware that progression was relatively poor (in the doctors’ eyes). I guess that’s part of the reason for the shock.

I accept the explanation and I feel Char did, too. But we both have a shock still in us, and Char the most.

We also accept that that shock has to be healed. It can’t be healed just by a logical explanation which we, reluctantly, may accept – of why things, medically speaking, had to go as they did go.

And that’s okay. That’s the nature of hard emotional experiences. They don’t just evaporate because you get some kind of explanation that the ‘upper part’ of your mind can concede to. Deep down there is still a lot of raw emotion, like people with more serious traumas, and that just can’t be done away with through explanations.

But what then will do it for us? I guess we will have to wait and see, after the baptism and some other things we have to do in August. Then we have to begin another path of healing, perhaps the first time we can actually choose to be on that path instead of just looking for it.

The midwife gave us the number of a counselor with specialty in these experiences and I think we are going to use it. We have to. Char has to.

We are not unable to function, that was never the case. But we are hurt. And no matter how much or how little others have been hurt compared to us, and no matter that we are beyond grateful for the result of that experience, we have to acknowledge that it was just that – something that hurt us.

And we have to heal. And take time to do it.