238. To Be Who You Are

Apropos my recent introspection about and decision to not push myself to draw …

In late 2015, I made the Pretty Big Decision of shelving a fantasy novel I had been working on for 3 years.

Another one for the deskdrawer …

It may come up again. It may not. But then it finally became official in October 2015:

It’s shelved.

No more lying about the fact that I de facto have other priorities. And no crying about the universe I created and the 200 very nice pages that I had written …

So what was left? What is left?

Especially after my debacle with the year-long sense that I needed to draw to gain some kind of … affirmation?

A lot, it feels. Quite a lot.

For one thing, I feel more motivated to write more novellas again. And they will serve me well – as a kind of … meditation, I guess. I did in October 2015. I still do now – in July 2017.

I have written a couple in between, but now I feel a new surge of inspiration.

Not for fame. Not for money.

Just to … feel my Self.

For lack of better words.

Just this way. A way that always served me.

It’s the right thing to do at this juncture, as it was the right thing then – to focus on the novellas. I already have the next in my head.

And generally, I have got to limit my focus or I will overstretch my various goals. And fall and fail. Not get things done. Not reach them.

It has all happened before. I know myself well enough by now.

But not again.

So sacrifices was made back then, and so they have again.

But sometimes … sometimes sacrifices aren’t really sacrifices.

Just a … reshuffling of the cards?

I’m very, very happy – deep inside – that the time I do want to prioritize writing novellas.

Not novels. Not even short novels (40K+ words) like I tried in April this year.

These novellas are writings that I feel I have  to prioritize in periods of my life in order not to go insane …

And so my time goes to my novellas. Again. After another hiatus.

Writing is something I ‘am’. But under certain conditions.

I guess that can be said about drawing as well, although I have to completely reboot that because for so many years I didn’t create the right conditions and now I feel, well, empty inside about this entire talent/passion.

So let’s turn to writing about Carrie, again, because in those stories I find my energy, again.

I just need to find the right space for it in the calendar, so I don’t make it bigger than it should be or smaller than it should be.

I don’t need permission to do it – to be it. Or rewards.

Sometimes it’s okay just to do something that you are.

In fact, it is very okay.