24. The Burning Heart

Went to a meeting with a consultant whose job it was to get me clear on the rules.

The rules for starting in the limited programme for entrepreneurs who receive employment insurance. Like me.

Yes, I’m allowed, but:

15 hours a week max.

And every hour I work must be deducted from the insurance.

That’s not as bad as it sounds because of a lot of other funny rules.

But there are other, even more funny rules that are as bad as they sound.

Never mind.

I feel it is Right.

So I start this, and I still look for jobs, and at some point I’m going to make enough money to do for myself.

Whatever combination for work that works.

But to tell the truth, I feel the primary source is going to come from my company.

My own company.

It feels good. It feels right.

Independence.

It also feels scary.

Especially that part about making enough money.

When the insurance runs out and if I don’t have an extra job, then it’s just the company.

Me, Char, a baby, a lot of debt and my company.

Not the first time in history, I guess, that you see that combo.

But it was kind of cold comfort today …

*

After the meeting I went for a walk through the City and thought about it all.

The worst wasn’t the fact that I was unsure how much money I could make and how soon.

The worst was actually – again – thinking about my age and getting the feeling that I should have done better by now.

I know it’s a lie, but that feeling still washes over me ever so often. Like shadowy surf.

And then I just have to grit my teeth and call it for what it is: Lie.

So maybe I’m not good at making money, but I did once cure a severe psychic illness – all by myself.

It was an OCD-cousin plus some depression, but it doesn’t matter.

Just like it doesn’t matter that I made it through almost 20 years with Char through thick and thin.

Or that I want to give my life to give something positive, lasting, useful to this world, if only I can find out what it is.

All of that doesn’t matter to the Lie.

The same Lie that tells me that I’m also too old to be a ‘right’ father.

And other shit like that.

You can only know these feelings if you’ve had them.

I bet you have. One time or another. About one thing or another.

You know, as I write this I’m watching Rocky IV for the nth time.

Just with half an eye … a little vid open in another window on my computer, while I type and do all sorts of other things.

They are at the part where he trains in deep snow, dragging  a big log over his shoulders, getting ready to fight a killer-Russian-killing-machine-of-a-man-who-killed-his-best-friend. (Rocky’s best friend, of course … )

It’s corny as hell. But it’s good music.

If you’ve seen all the 7 movies you know that they are not about winning in the ring. They never were.

They are about winning over yourself.

Over your own personal Lie. Over all of them.

In whatever way it takes for you to do it.

That makes any corny movie good enough in my book.

And a worthy example to follow.

 

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