32. Vitality

I did work today in my lil’ company, both some voluntary coaching with a prospective client and something to be paid for – later – when the official approval and registration has taken place.

First the insurance organisation, KIA, must approve that I do a limited number of hours in my own company (all to be deducted from my insurance payment). Then I have to register my company officially and do all the other paper work.

But why not get some work under way while you wait for the official wheels to grind?

What irked me today wasn’t so much that it was yet another lonesome, routine day – doing some work, then waiting some more.

Then shopping in the Siberian chill that has descended over our City. And other errands.

Then cooking for Char when she came home more tired than yesterday.

No. It’s not that.

Or … not just that: The routine, the waiting, the loneliness.

Something more is missing from this whole picture.

I’ve written about it before, I think.

I’m not sure … and I don’t really care to leaf back through this blog and look.

I’m just sure that something is Still Missing.

Something that was there before.

Maybe an energy or a vitality I had when I was younger? That’s the closest I can come to it for now.

I’ve thought a lot about what can be causing it and can remedy it:

More travel – ? It’s not possible in the short term due to J’s coming but still … ┬áplanning for it long-term might do me a world of good.

A new Big Creative Project – more ambitious than what’s gone before and what is real now? (= Late night art scribbles and the occasional novella.)

Well, I still think it was the right decision to stop trying to be an author. I’m not cut out for that life. And definitely not life as an artist either.

Then we have some kind of Big Altruistic Project, like I did in my student days when I was volunteering a lot for a cause – somewhere in the world. That seems to be something I should explore more.

I have signed up with an organisation helping to collect old computers and send to school children in Malawi, but it’s a smallish project and it doesn’t really feel right yet. I haven’t felt like attending one of their weekly meeting so far. So maybe that’s not exactly It.

What then – then?

Whatever it is that’s still blank in my life – a Big Blank, it feels like – will not go away when my son comes. I’ll probably be able to forget it a lot, because I am … well … busy.

But forgetfulness is not a solution.

It’s not the same as finding what you have been looking for.

So I guess I’ll just have to look some more.

Because giving up is not an option.

Not when it’s about something vital.