My dad called me to update me on my mother’s chemo and that they had been to a meeting with the doctors and still were undecided. I was helping Char feed Jay and pondering how to fit new clients in today’s family-schedule, so it kind of caught me off guard and I felt down afterwards.
Even if my dad didn’t really say anything else than the stuff about the 10 percent extra survival chance and that my mother was still considering and so on.
My feelings about this matter is quickly clouding my intuition (if it was intuition), because I don’t feel I want her to do it, although I may still sense it is the right thing to do. And that sense can also be something bound in feelings of fear of what the alternative could be.
So intuition is probably not something I should try to go on in this matter. Like with similar matters – jobs I want very much, trying to become parents some years back, etc. – the underlying emotions are simply too strong, and the concept of intuition is too fuzzy. What you think is some kind of ‘revelation’ – based on the more divine part of the world and its assistance or some hitherto unknown brain powers calculating things subconsciously for you – well, it may just be what you fear or want the most. And you can’t really know until you get there and see what is actually going to happen.
And it is my mother’s decision anyway. Not mine.
I suggested to her in an email a bit later that she might want to consider how she feels about this in the years to come – depending on what she chooses. Will she really feel safer? Or does she think it will just fade out and her feelings will be status quo? Not really possible to say with any kind of precision, as I think I have written about before here on The Blog, but still a worthwhile perspective for making decisions in the here and now – trying to imagine how you will feel in the future.
Despite its fuzziness, too, what other options do you have? A throw of the dice?
That is what statistics are. My mother could be 5 percent more likely to survive or 25 depending on her unique situation, since the 10 is just an average – and it only counts until she reaches 80 years of age. Then all bets are off – again.
It’s crazy to think about. So I have decided not to. I simply can’t do a family and a business and make decisions about I will do, in detail, if my mother chooses A or B, or if either option fails – so to speak – and she gets cancer again in 2 years’ time (another scenario that demands attention). I can think in broad outlines, and I feel I should. I feel I should maintain a certain readiness. But … it is also important not to waste mental space and heart-space brooding before you know the facts.
A very difficult and delicate balance, which I have often written about, and I will do so again. But it is important to keep in mind. Especially in situations such as this, where you are fearing for a loved one and pondering scenarios and outcomes and consequences whilst trying to live your daily:
Always try to keep a good balance between thinking and letting go and doing – something else. It is excruciatingly difficult but it is the only way – the only focus. Otherwise you tend to veer off towards extremes, like depression or suppression – which is kind of the same thing really.
So again I take a deep breath and go for balance.