This one is from 2005, as I still don’t have time or energy to draw new stuff. What a way to start my Lines project, but I suppose it’s somehow … fitting.
Currently, I feel overwhelmed with the need to find work immediately to pay bills and contribute meaningfully to family and pay off debt.
So I have a lot of temp work and little time for business, business development, family, dreams and so on. And art.
I guess it is a natural human tendency to dream of impossible projects when we feel the most trapped. Like this one.
I honestly feel like giving up. I don’t even feel I have the energy to properly explain in all necessary detail why things have come to this. To search for a rational analysis of how to move on from here and ‘oh, it is not THAT bad’ and so on.
I know it is not “THAT bad” but I am close to burning out. And overwhelm. And writing in broken sentences. And not appreciating good things enough. And relationship getting estranged again.
So it is bad enough on the inside.
The question is what I can do here, with my last 10 minutes before I have to go do temp work, to write something meaningful, in all of this feeling of overwhelm.
Because I have to.
Not just because I have vowed to do The Blog for decades to come, but because there is no alternative. I can’t give up.
For my own sake. For Jay’s sake. For Char’s sake. Perhaps even for the world’s sake, if it is still to be that I am to contribute meaningfully in the world in other ways, like some kind of work for other people that would change something or other.
But even if that is not so, there is still my obligation to myself, which I learnt was the only way forward when I was ill and in hospital 13 years ago. There was no alternative to getting well. Except lie down and die.
Which is not an alternative. Ever.
I am not talking physics – body. I am talking inner diseases – stress, anxiety, overwhelm.
So I guess what I can do with these last few minutes and this particular post is to remind myself that even though it may be weeks or months before I can plan coherently on how to improve my life …
Even though I just have to muddle through until then and then shut down as much of my brain as I can, while I go through the motions …
Even though all that may be true … I can allow myself to give up on improving things.
So maybe I don’t have the strength, energy or time to improve much right now. I can just go to work, try to be positive vs. Jay and Char and get some breaks.
Maybe that is true.
But I have to remind myself that at some time then – in the future – I have to begin dreaming again.
It is okay if I am flooded right now and feel frozen inside and can’t even concentrate on writing anything than broken sentences, like here.
But through it all I have to remember that there Is No Alternative to living than to keep dreaming and hoping.
Only death. Real death.
I have to remember.
And that is the purpose of this post.
Which will be read by Russian bots and not many other people for some time to come, for reasons just mentioned. Lack of …
But that, then, is my contribution to the wider world for now. And to the meaning of The Blog:
I realize and remember that there is no alternative to hope.
Even if you have to wait to begin hoping for something better because your mind feels like ice.
What you can’t throw away is the awareness that there has to come a time again, when there will be a thaw. And then wait for that time.
The alternative is to wait for nothing, which is death, and that is not an alternative.