563. Good Lock

Maybe I should not be so afraid of changing career path again and never getting anything ‘built’.

After all, most of my changes before were back when I had both income from a student support system and later an unemployment insurance.

Now I have none of those and I have a family.

For better or for worse: Path-dependency or lock-in if you will … it tends to work.

So I will develop my career from the basis of being a website consultant and builder for small businesses – and adding up temp work to fill the gaps.

And building assets in that particular digital niche, down the line.

Even if I should decide to become a dentist I can’t just change paths, because then the income would cease and I have no savings, no capital, no support system of the previous sorts – to fuel another attempt at experimenting, diverting, backtracking.

I have to go forward from here.

And the same with creative projects. Except they honestly don’t matter anymore – in a financial sense, and exactly because of the above.

Even if I decided (again) that I wanted to make a living as a famous author, I could only invest bits and bits of time in that over the years, not do another major investment of money and time and then leave it. For I have no more money for that. And not much time.

And suppose I do the bits, like if I wanted to become a famous, rich author writing Hammer and Magic … then I can just do them, for a foreseeable time, as … bits. Half an hour here, half an hour there.

And maybe it will work out, in years and years’ time.

Or maybe it won’t. In which case it will only have been a joyful pastime which is also a victory. Something will have been built up – even if it did not pay off.

And because I have had to prioritize the business I ended up with – to keep the bills getting paid every month – that, too, will have been built up. Or at the very least kept in shape. And done its job.

So … given all of this, I really see now that maybe I should not be so worried about suddenly changing my mind 360 as I have done before with regard to career.

Or creativity. I could do the latter, of course, and then do it again – and again. And I would spend the short time I have and not built anything – neither a creative product, nor an income stream.

That would be a defeat. Yes, true enough.

I would have built a career, because I have to now – and can’t just veer off course.

I would not have built something creative. If I go to my grave knowing that, it would be a defeat.

But I have given it a lot of thought, and as I wrote the other day – there really is no choice with regard to creativity either. I have to follow what I feel, first and foremost.

If I don’t work for someone else and if this is not to be my first source of income – or more specifically: It it cannot be that.

Then I just do my best and maybe I will never succeed in finishing something, not even that – because I, for some reason, cannot get the right mix of self-knowledge and adaptation to circumstances … can’t get that right.

I may move closer to a core of truth, like: I really want to do a scifi comic again – and finish it.

But I will never reach that truth before I die. And never finish anything.

That is theoretically possible, absurd as it may sound.

And so what?

It is also theoretically possible I will never found a spouse who is a good fit for me. Lots of people have that problem. Chance, fate, karma – and priorities – and self-knowledge … those ingredients never quite add up.

Oh, wait – they did.

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