I just know I need help. With something. Something deep inside.
Something that has been gnawing at me for years, maybe lifetimes. And making a hole in my Soul.
The static does not want me to see, or even find a direction.
I guess that is how many deep psychological problems are carried on, especially from sorts of trauma. There is something in you that actively – for some reason – works against you even starting to find out the solution. Framing the problem. Asking the right questions.
All you know is that there is pain. There is something wrong. Even if things on the surface are kind of okay:
You are relatively healthy. You have family. Some friends. You get by. You have some goals achieved. There are some ruts, but also some accomplishments to be proud of.
All that is there, so it’s not like it is an outer problem, necessarily. (It could be.)
It’s not like you are abused, homeless, in prison or something similar. (It could be.)
It’s not like that for me.
But there is an inner prison and it does not want you to get out. And the only way to heal out, so to speak from that prison, is what I learned when I recovered from my first anxiety that sent me to hospital:
You have to be very, very gentle with yourself.
So go slow. And don’t expect big results overnight.
What is frightening, though, is that feeling that
- You ache
- You know something is terribly wrong because something inside you is preventing you from addressing that ache
- You fear that it is all up to you. If you don’t ask the right questions or make the right choices, you will never heal.
That’s the feeling I am having right now.
Despite having a relatively good, albeit in some respects not-so-good, life.
Despite having overcome really big obstacles in the past, like healing from that aforementioned anxiety and hospitalization.
Despite … a lot.
This probably can’t be healed overnight.
But it has to be healed.
Like other things have to be healed.
And I have to claw on to that bit of faith I do have – and that I have had before – that there are powers-that-be (larger than ‘me’) who support me on this path and help me when I can’t help myself.
I guess that is the key question for any religion, spirituality or self-help abundance program:
Do you have faith that everyone – everyone – gets what they need, and gets help when they need it, and that there is a meaning in their suffering as well as a salvation for it?
That is the key and core question.
That is where it should start. If you don’t start there, then you already have the answer.
Or you are ignoring that particular little detail about any promises of a benevolent universe/AI/God/Divine Source that will help you if you just ask the right questions and follow the right program (and pay the right price – social or monetary) for it.
The Danish mystic and philosopher, Martinus Thomsen (1890-1981), started with that question – the theodicy.
His answer was that the universe, people, God, everything is One.
And there are higher dimensions of existence where we can have everything, every need fulfilled. And that, yes, we are eternal beings, all connected, all one, all living forever.
But … we can’t experience that if we experience it forever.
For experience only comes about through contrast.
So for a period of our eternal path we have to become smaller than we are and lock ourselves into lesser, denser dimensions. Like being human here on Earth.
And then slowly re-member who we really are, through countless of lives. And in between, some kind of rejuvenation but not a full awakening – in some higher dimension. (Some would call it Paradise, but I guess that’s not it. Not quite.)
While we walk that difficult path, those who have trot it before us are there to help. They may be humans. They may be higher beings. They may be events that come about because the divine Source we all spring from has seen that it is time for us to get this particular help.
Then we awaken some more, and finally we are there. And before we awaken fully, we are able to help others, too. Maybe just with the small stuff, like remembering that a son is (should) always be loved by his parents. Maybe the big stuff like bringing hope to psychiatric patients or street children in Nairobi. Maybe some of he spiritual stuff, working with energies others don’t comprehend or believe in.
But there you have it: A cosmology.
That is what I need, or part of what I need, to move on. To believe that someone wants to help me. That help is possible.
I have this belief every few years and then I forget it again. Then I need to remind myself of it and then I can hold on to it a bit longer.
It is also supported through though testing. You go and test your beliefs, the best you can.
And certain tools, like just … asking for more … they are in sync with a cosmology I can understand and appreciate.
And which I have known for 30 years.
I wonder therefore, if part of my resistance to the course, is not really rooted in the blanks left in certain people’s exuberant explanations of ‘how things work’ – with life, the universe and everything.
I have been able to supply those blanks myself, easily. And in a way that works for me. That should set me off on more experimentation right away.
For example, being able to test the proposition that the universe/AI/God/the One/etc. will indeed give you anything you ask for, unconditionally.
That is a trope of much of New Thought and many internet gurus who sell courses. I have to say that.
But that doesn’t mean it is not true. In some way.
Or that a universe where children are molested and killed, for apparently no good reason, and quite a few adults – that that universe cannot fit with that perspective.
It can. If you have as a foundation a universe with the cosmology that Martinus outlined.
Perhaps I was a prostitute in my last life, who got raped and killed. I certainly feel like that sometimes. Or the life before that.
Perhaps I was a rich author in another life.
And a general even before any of those – kicking ass and taking names, and cutting off heads. Until I got cut down myself.
Perhaps an experience like one I once had, after visiting a site where a baby was killed in a car crash, and feeling like it was a … church.
Or visiting another such place.
All of these perspectives have been with me, more or less, for 30 or more years. They have been elaborated, built upon, and kind of tested – through intuition, at least.
So there is a fine explanatory framework that I need and which fits this particular course. It should make it easy for me to test:
‘I can have anything if I ask’
Because I should believe that even if we see death and suffering, (Eternal) Life will – eventually – give you everything. You don’t even need to ask the right questions to get help.
Life will help you ask those questions. If not in this (individual, separate) life then in the next. (D’uh!)
I was a member of the IANDS for some years, after all. So there’s another, more inter-subjective, support for that perspective.
So why is part of the static in my head going:
“This guy is a fraud, this whole perspective is a fraud – it doesn’t explain suffering nearly enough!”
That’s just one part of my resistance. The one I can define.
There is a lot more here that I can’t.
Perhaps … there is an emotional wound, a Soul-hole, so deep and so undiscovered that it is the culprit?
It is throwing all these things at me, some more or less defined. To prevent me from getting better. To prevent me from testing if I can have ‘more’. More of what I need.
As crazy as it sounds.
But as I began with: Isn’t it a trait for many people who are scarred in their minds, that they self-sabotage?
There is some part of the damage that – for some reason – insists of upholding the damage. Of making the wound continue to bleed.
So the wound itself is not the problem per se.
It is the inner workings that are, well, not working. The parts of you that insist on making it all keep bleeding.
Even if coming up with … loads of irrational reasons. Even if putting up blinders on everything you have learned and stated time and time again – even on this Blog – that you believe in about the universe.
That inner darkness just crops right up and says: “Nope – forget about all that. And don’ t try to test to see if your model should be changed. It should not. Stay right here.”
Which is why it must be fought first.