592. July Days (III)

Only peace counts.

The way to get peace in my mind is to stop all thoughts that are not peaceful, or – at the very least – let them run out while I take a step back and say to myself: “As soon as this godawful thought is finished, I’m going to think of something joyful – which gives me energy.”

And when there are protests, all I need to say to myself is: “No problem, I can get back to worrying and berating myself any moment and it is perfectly permissible. I just need to think about this little joyful thing first, which I just found out I want to think about.”

And when I have, it all becomes a whole lot easier.

523. Healing Day

Tomorrow it’ll be Jay’s 1st birthday and thus almost a year ago that we had a really hard experience getting him here.

But I am heartened that despite the lingering pain of that memory, everyday new wonderful memories are added in the other stack – of his life, what it is, what it can be, what it will be.

I guess that is called healing.

444. The Secret of Relaxation

So perhaps the important part was just that I recognized that if I had to have a good experience here and now,  and feel more relaxed and refreshed when Jay and Char came back … well, then it was all about NOT demanding anything of myself. Just … relaxing. Use the time I had available to relax to … relax. And not catch up with x, y and z.

Strange that such a simple truth can be so difficult to make a habit. But if you can you are indeed very powerful!

382. Not Losing Sight of the Forest

Last day alone and I simply drew a line and finished the office space, although I could have done a lot more sorting.

But even so the room that now serves as dining, office and living-room for about 20 sq meters still felt … nice in the evening. Like it was actually a real room in a place where we lived and not just half-storage. So I have accomplished what I wanted and needed here. Thoughts too about family health, X-mas logistics, earning money and carving time for art and the occasional bleep about where our relationship is going with all this 24/7 baby-focus. They stood in line.

I knew I couldn’t really solve any of those ‘items’ on the agenda, and I was very tired in the late afternoon, so I took a walk, ate some quick food and then went home and watched a movie – Wind River. I felt only a little bad about not drawing or watching educational videos on my last free night. But it was necessary to recharge and keep some kind of balance, or so I felt. Well, it felt right. Right this day, the hyper-focus on either drawing as relax or business videos as 5 minutes pastime between diaper changes and house tasks did not feel right … simply because that context was not there.

354. A World of Good

Sometimes when I have a few spare hours to myself after so much practical work I can really feel torn, if I should do more writing or blogging or maybe even business. But I have to sometimes let go and just watch a damn TV-series. Not all of the time, but sometimes and this was one of those times and it did me a world of good.

That and a whiskey before bed.

321. Despite the Mist

We talk a walk by the fjord and went to a cafe and had some coffee and Jay slept (most of the time) in his carriage.

We surfed the internet and watched some lame TV and generally did nothing.

Because I knew that that is what I needed after these past weeks’ drain.

And so I managed. Despite the mist over the fjord.

291. The Most Dangerous Thing

What if a major reason I am stuck is that I – despite my experience – have allowed other insidious thoughts to reign for too long? Those thoughts that berate?

For truly, this morning as I ate breakfast at a nearby cafe, getting ready for work, I felt … lighter. More joyful, if only ever-so-slightly. In fact, I felt a little … younger.

Just like when I was actually … that young.

I felt things were possible.

I think that has a lot to do with my resolution to do away with that inner critic on autopilot.

Maybe I can’t ever do away with it entirely and that is okay. I don’t attempt to be Jesus or Buddha here.

But I can certainly – certainly – make it better than now. I can make things different.

And that is the definition of hope.