639. What If Peace Was Right Now?

What if I did not seek to escape work anymore which was not fully my passion? What if I kept building my webdesign business so it was sustainable and then profitable, paid off debt and saved for the future with those funds?

What if I over the years invested diligent time in a more passionate type of work, which could be something like my Distant Mirror-project and then at least gave it a chance to supplant wholly or partially my income streams from other sources?

What if I accepted that this may never happen, if nothing else then because I don’t have time to invest in this serious, time-consuming project – to make it something in less than 10-20 years or more?

What if I stopped looking for the quick way out?

What if I accepted that it is okay that some parts of life aren’t so fun as other parts of life, esp. when it comes to making money?

What if I began to appreciate more that my other sources of money – webdesign and other types of work – have their advantages, too? Like interaction with real people – for whom you make a real difference? Maybe creeps as well sometimes, yes, but mostly good people – even if they don’t have a website or business that interest you. But want something good – to make something good?

What if I stopped paying people who promised a way out – easy or not – if only I followed their program?

What if I stopped paying people so they could have their passion business (which is about teaching others to have a passion business) and then paid more attention to making ALL of my life as passionate as possible, in every situation, in every moment?

Wouldn’t that give me what I seek right away?

A change of mind. A courage to be very normal and not spectacular.

A break with the crowd. No, not that crowd – the other crowd. The crowd that thinks it is better than the crowd.

What if?

Why not?

619. Yes It Is

You are afraid you are not lovable, or ‘good enough’, if you don’t follow certain recipes for life and how to live it. 

Even more, actually, than you are afraid of not getting the actual results. Like: You are more afraid of not feeling good enough than you are of actually failing in making money or finding the right religion.

If that really is the case … then you should go out there immediately and fail. And fail again.  And dare to be wrong.

Until you feel okay with it.

And find some people – good, constructive people – who will support you in that process.

(Not the drinking buddies, please … )

Do that and then come back and try some of the recipes for the good life, the good spirituality, the good relationship, the good everything – if you think they still have merit.

But do it from a base of strength and self-confidence and above all: Self-love.

Otherwise it is worthless.

And you know why.

It is worthless because it is a more basic need to be loved than to be rich, or popular, or spiritual.

And none of these things can feel good, or even come to pass likely, if you do not start loving yourself first.

And that can only happen if you dare to be wrong and face the consequences of some choice which seems not be in in alignment with some authority whose love you crave. In replacement for your own love. And perhaps more so than any particular advice they are able to give on any particular need or topic … 

So this is it again, then?

That same old, old lesson – that I have returned to countless of times in my life.

This is it?

Yes, it is.

616. If I Feel Bad

If I feel bad about the way somebody is, then I should take a good look at myself and ask myself:

“Why do you feel bad about this person because he is so self-confident?”

“Why do you feel bad about her, because she is so rich?”

Well, maybe because I don’t feel particularly confident myself, or rich myself.

And so that is where I should start building abundance.

And maybe I can only be my own teacher here, because those feelings are so strong. At another time I can have a teacher who is a lot richer and more self-confident, but at this time there are hollows within me that need to be filled before I can listen neutrally to such a person.

And not filter what I hear through my own feelings of inferiority and distort it all and feel bad, which is not the idea.

I can probably learn from others, who are … somewhere else, but still have these qualities (e.g. of being self-confident and rich) more than I have.

I probably can.

But I have to start with myself.

I have to start building my own sense of being rich, or abundant, or powerful or whatever works for me.

I have to start building my own sense of self-confidence, from other criteria then somebody else’s criteria. (Or what I perceive them to be.)

In English: I have to start looking at and appreciating what I can do, instead of being obsessed about what others can do – or appear to be able to. And let that overshadow my own qualities and accomplishments.

Isn’t that the simple, natural truth?

Yes, and it is very hard.

But worth giving your life for.

614. Going Forward

I felt very strongly that I had to divide my life into three perspectives:

1. What helps my overall life purpose
2. What helps me pay the bills from day to day and support my family
3. What gives me energy and is fun

Sure, I’d love to not have to do any of the work in no. 2 category, but it worked better once I found  a way – and I think I have – to meet my needs with no. 1 and 3: Purpose and passion.

“The way”: Basically a little more creative conclusion on each of these subjects – passion and purpose – than before … 

I knew about Joan of Arc as a role model. I have known about her all my life. I have wanted to be like her. But now I feel I can. I can be the essential part of her – the trust-in-the-Higher-part.

And my God (pun intended) – it feels good to be serving myself more of the good stuff: Drawing. Deliberately. Pushing other people and priorities out of the way.

What went wrong until now? Why didn’t I get it as right until now as I feel I am getting it now? 

I have to go back and look (in older posts), but right now I’d rather go forward.

594. Not Streamlined

So I will honor this experience and shift all day from I wake up between working – a time on the application, a time on the long list of order-stuff-tasks and a time for drawing. And then switch. And switch. And keep going for as long as possible.

In the end that should make me a lot more productive, and enjoy it, too.

What could be bad about such a strategy, even though it is not particularly streamlined?

589. Elemental

As long as I write in the alternatehistory.com forum and have a few readers and discussions about aspects of the story.

That is a good way to cultivate this Element of my life – to have it in my life. But it is an end to itself. Not a means to something else, like money later on.

I can go through the motions and finish stories and try to monetize them in some way but really … as I see it now, it does not matter what happens.

I realize I entertained such thoughts before, but … so what else is new.

Maybe it is a good thing they are entertained no longer.

586. Third Reason Why I Started Drawing Again

But one thing can be measured, for what it is worth: The Blog itself. If it keeps growing year by year and keeps getting traffic and at one time the Putin bots that now are my only regular visitors will be replaced by engaged human beings … then that is a yardstick for impact.

However crude and imperfect.

And I believe it is a better impact – given my experience, talent and skill – then I can give in this life as a social worker or a worker in a social justice organisation, paid or voluntary.

I will not say no to such positions if opportunity arises and it feels right.

But right now the point is moot, because it doesn’t really look like I can qualify for any meaningful position within the humanitarian organisations anymore, and as regards work for individual persons, e.g. as a helper for the disabled, I just don’t have that much to give anymore. I am not getting younger and the job is hard. And it doesn’t scale at all – so: Extremely limited  impact.

But even if I could get a job in, say, Action Aid International I would still feel that The Blog is, as far as I can see right now, the best thing I can give to the world.

And that means that my drawing is free from that demand.

And good riddance.

I don’t need to change the world via drawing, or storytelling.

I just need to draw.

585. Second Reason Why I Started Drawing Again

For a long time I thought I should only tell stories, including stories in drawing, that had some ‘higher purpose’ and would make ‘some difference’ in people’s lives. I no longer do that.

It would be nice, but I no longer think like that.

I have my web business and my temp work and a few other ideas, and maybe I can scrape some income from donations if I do videos of my drawing process and say something clever and witty while I do it. And maybe I can crowdfund some funds for graphic novel printing and do a talk live – or two – about my subjects. And earn an extra buck.

But I don’t have to live from it. I just have to do it. Every day.

582. Never Underestimate

“I believe you!’ the artiste exclaimed finally and extinguishes his gaze. ‘I do! These eyes are not lying! How many times have I told you that your basic error consists in underestimating the significance of the human eye. Understand that the tongue can conceal the truth, but the eyes – never! A sudden question is put to you, you don’t even flinch, in one second you get hold of yourself and know what you must say to conceal the truth, and you speak quite convincingly, and not a wrinkle on your face moves, but – alas – the truth which the question stirs up from the bottom of your soul leaps momentarily into your eyes, and it’s all over! They see it, and you’re caught!”

― Mikhail Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita