And it can’t be forced – maturity. That is the problem.
It can, however, be helped along.
If you consciously decide to deal with your own personal problems and improve yourself, e.g. through coaching or therapy … then you can in principle speed up maturity. In a manner of speaking.
You can speed up the awareness of your experiences and the ability to act prudently with the knowledge you have now – use it well.
How the hell can it ever work to strive for realizing something that will make you happy, but strive in a way that makes you feel stressed and struggling?
Why is that voice there, saying all through the day:
‘You are not good enough.
‘You did not get a job.
‘You did not get savings.
‘You did not get pension.
‘You did not get a house.
‘You did not get other normal stuff that people your age have.
‘You did not realize your skills, life purpose or much of value to anyone but your nearest family.
‘And these judgments are more important than everything you did – everything you did realize – everything you did value – everything.’
Normally I would be tempted to make some kind of statement and then embark on a rigorous mental training to get the voice to shut up once and for all.
And forget my shame about it quickly.
But maybe that is not enough this time. Not courageous enough, I mean.
Maybe I have to dare own it first.
And taking that step forward anyway and following the path I have now set out … that is a very practical experience of true faith.
You don’t need to be religious to experience it.
You just need to find the courage to trust yourself and in your capability to adapt and create value in life, regardless of all the uncertainty.
That kind of understanding – that you can make a lot of important impact on the world and it need not be to help with the most extreme suffering for it to be important – that is an understanding, I believe, that comes with age.
I wouldn’t mind a merge with my younger self with that perspective so I can make more impact sooner, but for lack of that, what I can do with the rest of my life will have to suffice.
Passion is necessary, more often than not, to finish any kind of Project – be it earning money, making a difference in the world, or achieving some kind of artistic pinnacle.
I thought for a long time it would help me finish creative projects if I narrowed them down to just one, due to work and family time constraints.
Turns out I get more motivated by having about 3 projects that I can shift between (but not many more), like I am recording an album instead of just having to choose a single song.
It may take longer, in principle, to finish any one of these projects, yes – but now I feel more confident that I WILL actually finish one, because I realized that this worked for me.
Patience is perhaps the ultimate problem I have and had, even back in 1997. It might also be the ultimate solution.
Goals and physical conditions and all sorts of other stuff are important, yes, but … the entirety of my experience of life is the most important. And that, I can actually control.
—it really feels like it gives me what I want right now to just do my best at making business full time as a webdesigner and then taking every possible moment of free time that I need this energy to do some of my creative projects.
And when I have the energy. Or need it.
Instead of creating a struggle between my business and my creative life.
Like that one about setting goals that make you feel better now…
That is a good one.
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” – Mark Twain
I realize more and more that this is what I have to do in order to get time to do that other thing – which I love.
I can’t wait to clean out my to do-lists. I can’t even try to decide to delete items from them to make them smaller and spend time on that. I don’t want to pretend that there’ll ever be a period in my life when other people won’t – for good or bad reasons – stand in line to take chunk out of my (life) time. They will. It will happen.
So if I ever have to get more of this Love done … I have to become better at just stopping and doing it. Much better.
There’s a lot more nuance to it, but this is the heart of it.
“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
―Rainer Maria Rilke
So money, miscast loyalty to others, and devotion to productivity methods that may work for others but not oneself.
Those three agendas sucked out a lot of energy from the YA novel, until I shelved it when other parts of reality killed the last of my motivation, notably my need to focus on my own business, on getting settled in yet another new apartment and dealing with the personal and relationship fall-out after (at first) not having been able to have Jay, after many treatments. Oh, and a couple of close family members died, too. Just sayin’ …