639. What If Peace Was Right Now?

What if I did not seek to escape work anymore which was not fully my passion? What if I kept building my webdesign business so it was sustainable and then profitable, paid off debt and saved for the future with those funds?

What if I over the years invested diligent time in a more passionate type of work, which could be something like my Distant Mirror-project and then at least gave it a chance to supplant wholly or partially my income streams from other sources?

What if I accepted that this may never happen, if nothing else then because I don’t have time to invest in this serious, time-consuming project – to make it something in less than 10-20 years or more?

What if I stopped looking for the quick way out?

What if I accepted that it is okay that some parts of life aren’t so fun as other parts of life, esp. when it comes to making money?

What if I began to appreciate more that my other sources of money – webdesign and other types of work – have their advantages, too? Like interaction with real people – for whom you make a real difference? Maybe creeps as well sometimes, yes, but mostly good people – even if they don’t have a website or business that interest you. But want something good – to make something good?

What if I stopped paying people who promised a way out – easy or not – if only I followed their program?

What if I stopped paying people so they could have their passion business (which is about teaching others to have a passion business) and then paid more attention to making ALL of my life as passionate as possible, in every situation, in every moment?

Wouldn’t that give me what I seek right away?

A change of mind. A courage to be very normal and not spectacular.

A break with the crowd. No, not that crowd – the other crowd. The crowd that thinks it is better than the crowd.

What if?

Why not?

592. July Days (III)

Only peace counts.

The way to get peace in my mind is to stop all thoughts that are not peaceful, or – at the very least – let them run out while I take a step back and say to myself: “As soon as this godawful thought is finished, I’m going to think of something joyful – which gives me energy.”

And when there are protests, all I need to say to myself is: “No problem, I can get back to worrying and berating myself any moment and it is perfectly permissible. I just need to think about this little joyful thing first, which I just found out I want to think about.”

And when I have, it all becomes a whole lot easier.

583. If You Are Going Through Hell – Keep Going

Now, I don’t know of course if this kind of self-hate is the same as yours, in substance or in strength, but surely there is a familiarity.

Those feelings must spring from somewhere, and IMO it is very much the same source, so to speak. Something inside is broken and needs fixing. Medication can help but it has side-effects and it is NOT a cure. See a health professional about this, but make sure you see more than one.

What helped me was, to some extent, therapy but mostly therapy I trained myself to habituate – i.e. I learned how to think differently. All the time.

To stop the hateful thoughts and replace them with something else. Cognitive behavioral therapy, I believe it is called – and it was a self-made variation thereof I used, with some help from therapists.

But what I would really like to point out is that I did not seriously commit myself to this kind of therapy, including the 24/7 practice (which was the most important) before I realized, deeply, that my current status quo would lead to self-destruction.

You can fill in the blanks there … But I realized that I hurt myself and that ultimately it would not do me any good to continue. 

Whatever it was inside me that apparently believed I would do something or other that I, well, needed by hating myself … that illusion was dispelled and I could finally seek help.

569. Wonder Like It’s 1999

I went to a therapist in 1999, when I first started experiencing depression. She told me I should get up each morning and draw for 25 minutes.

Get up early and draw before anything else.

She told me that – and other things.

I tried to do this for a while and failed at it. And things got a lot worse.

Not necessarily because of me stopping the drawing-routine, but I have always wondered.

Now, recently I started drawing again in the morning. I have an idea for (another) graphic novel …

But the point is that I feel really, really good about this routine.

And it wasn’t so difficult – the first week at least.

And now I can see results!

So I will go on. And see more results.

And feel more good.

511. Swimming Past Sharks

As I get older I find that I still struggle with fears, perhaps more so than before – fears that come out of nowhere.

But, I suppose, founded in reality. Or potential reality.

Fear of growing old, dying suddenly, getting ill, becoming handicapped, losing Char or Jay like that, etc.

Those and other fears. But the physical ones – about physical danger – seem more pertinent. They circle like shadows of sharks.

I have before berated myself for those fears, but as I grow older I also find that the only way to deal with them properly is to accept them completely.

And then use the rest of the time to the best of my ability, regardless whether the fears come true or not.

It is difficult but it is the only way. Otherwise you get a vicious circle with fear of … fear.

And I could say the same about a lot of other sharks.

481. First Time In A Long Time

You know the real best here is that I don’t feel stressed about this any longer. I do one bit every day on The Blog, which may or may not be a creative project-related thing. And that is it.

I accept if it fails again. I accept that the majority of my life is going to be about earning money and taking care of my family. For the foreseeable time.

I prioritize during the day to draw if I am home and have a break, and I am not going to be online because why the hell would I need to check Facebook for the 7th time? Really? Why the hell?!

So I haven’t this evening either. But that is an aside.

What matters is that I have a feeling of true strength. For the first time in a long time.

311. Good Spirit

this date I will call to check on my mother, and she will sound … happy.

Despite the new cancer-threat.

Or at least … in “good spirits”, as they say.

Not denying reality, but not sounding like it’s about to break either.

I believe that despite her frailty in some situations, my mother has gotten a lot stronger over the years. Especially after surviving one bout of cancer in 2003 but also in general.

I don’t know if this signifies anything, but on a day like that it will be enough for me.

280. First Test

No sense to sell out my sense of calm in the present and stress and try various ill-thought through activities to ‘insure’ I will earn more, in the future.

No sense at all.

Except follow a plan I already have about what to do, when to do it, and be calm when I don’t have the time to do it, because of babies, dishes and other life-things.

But I did it fine. Today.