629. Deeper

Whether or not the universe is essentially “loving” as it is called here is one of the Big Questions of spirituality, religion and philosophy since the dawn of humankind. Anyone who asserts that this is so should IMO be able to answer why and how this is so, when the world we live in is obviously not so.

And a lot of people assert it, especially if they sell books or courses about how you can change your thoughts and beliefs about the universe and then goodness, especially money, will start flowing to you.

But … in case you forgot: Try Google News for awhile and see how many articles it finds about children being killed for the most insane reasons (some weeks ago I read one about a mother throwing her daughter off a bridge). I can only assume that the Google algorithm delivers news that most people click on. And it has always been so that bad news have a magnetic attraction … but I digress: the bad news is there. The question is how to interpret it.

How the hell (yes, hell) do we square that kind of experience of … well, evil … with a “loving” universe?

Well, we can try. We should try. Otherwise … what else is there to do but sink into frightened escapism or superior atheistic cynicism or argument-proof and ultimately irrational religiosity? 

I have personally gotten a lot from constructing a worldview based on near-death experience reports, reincarnation research and a few select modern mystics, such as my fellow Dane, Martinus Thomsen (1890-1981), who did an impressive book series about why the world is as it is and why that is ‘good’ anyway.

But as with the smaller things in life, that general experience that the world is actually ‘good deep down’ does not become real until you, well, experience it. Often in very concrete ways. And it can be set back, for example if you have trauma as some here have mentioned.

But for myself I am mostly reminded that I believe the universe is … somehow better than I feared … in times of trial. Like when I was hospitalized with a serious illness 13 years ago, or when our first child was born and it was a very difficult birth. Not immediately, obviously, but after a period of trial when I have tried to reconnect with the universe, so to speak. I usually use prayer to connect with that Greater Something Or Other which some call “God”; but also affirmations, and I have a feeling that both work and move me, either to better situations or give me the strength to endure.

I can’t accept that the universe is “loving” through superficial proof alone, though, like having 200 synchronicities happen each year when I ask for something or other. And I have had my share of synchronicities that seemed Very Hard to explain away as coincidence, and I feel I have been helped by Something Greater as explained before – in times of need.

However, for me personally I need a cosmology – and a rational one at that – to allow myself to interpret these events positively. And to accept that some children get thrown off bridges, but that there may be more than just that horrible outcome. If the universe is “deeply loving” then there is more. As well as some kind of meaning behind what happened there, even if you might have to delve deep into concepts of karma and past lives to produce an explanation that helps. And even if that explanation helps you, it might not help the grieving family.

I recommend reading books like Conversations with God to get a very good supplement to and foundation for the view that the universe, at its core level is “deeply loving”. I also recommend, as mentioned, reading about near-death experiences – e.g. on iands.org. But it is my strong experience that each person needs a slightly different shared insight, such as another version of these sources – and then a slightly different personal experience – to accept that positive world view.

And even then … acceptance of a positive world view (with this particular spiritual flavor) is often something that flows and ebbs. For pretty much all human beings. It does so for me all the time, when I see bad news or experience it myself and then I have to remind myself of my particular ‘faith’ and seek out reinforcement for it – somehow.

601. The Map

When I grow old(er) I’d like to look back to my childhood and NOT feel:

‘OMG – so much time has passed! – Where did it all go?!’

And then have a slight sense of dread … and then quickly do something else, to avoid thinking more about this, slightly painful awareness of the passing of time.

I would like to feel like THIS:

‘Yes, that was a long time ago. Many, many things have happened then and in the years since. Deep and important things, sometimes less so, but all valuable experiences on my life-journey which has now left a long trail on a big and colorful map. So I will sit here for awhile and delve on some of those experiences, even the painful ones, and try to see the beauty of it all’.

Yeah, I’d like that second feeling. But before I can have it, I also have to make sure there are less days and hours where I just escape into some oblivion of TV or social media or chatter or buying more sugar-stuff or any of the other escapes.

Because if I continue with those there will truly not be much of a map to look at … 

577. Saving Reminders

These days (some of) the world’s attention, including mine, is inexorably drawn towards Thailand where international and navy divers try to save a group of boys stranded in a cave, filled with rising waters.

In an age with greedy, callous, imbecile leaders of powerful countries, strife and war and the old media still wallowing in all sorts of other bad news, these stories of human bravery and sacrifice are a lot more important, I feel, than the story of the actual mission itself. More than the sum of its parts, so to speak. The story helps remind us all, at least yours truly, that there are a lot of really good, brave and competent people out there. Being just that as part of their job.

This kind of story helps remind us all, at least yours truly, that there are a lot of really good, brave and competent people out there.

Being just that as part of their job.

559. No Alternative to Dreams

I realize and remember that there is no alternative to hope. 
Even if you have to wait to begin hoping for something better because your mind feels like ice.

What you can’t throw away is the awareness that there has to come a time again, when there will be a thaw. And then wait for that time.

The alternative is to wait for nothing, which is death, and that is not an alternative.

326. Victories of Love

… maybe Char and I are robots now. And maybe a day like this is a confused mess, with deep clouds on the horizon still, and objective recognition that you are just not getting anywhere with your business, dreams, goals.

But you have the spark. You have a smiling baby. You have a mom in good spirits. You have the will to accept the crappy work-hours and not whine, except maybe a little when you sit in the bus.

You have these small victories and if you pile them up and focus on them, they look like something.

302. The Only Focus

It is cold comfort, when one thinks about how many more people have to die in the meantime of this completely avoidable cause – witness the effects of gun restriction laws in other countries. But in the face of a so-called advanced society which makes such primitive choices in so many cases I believe there is little to do but grit one’s teeth and pray they will make better choices – that things will go in the right direction, in spite of everything.

You can judge them Americans, loathe them, or ridicule them – or some of them. But it won’t help.

The only choice is to keep eyes firmly focused on a better future and what it takes to get there. That goes for us as well. Amen.

293. That Is What We Do

I spend at least 2-3 hours per day cleaning, washing, shopping, cooking and doing dishes, and I can spend those hours better. Like trying to make more money than we pay the cleaning lady.

So I just have to do that.

And be patient until I can do that, because cleaning lady or not, I still have to get up at night and carry Jay to Char so he can get his food – and many times during day, changing diapers, everything. We can’t hire us out of that as long as Char’s hand is damaged.

We can only wait and remain calm and have faith that we have enough money – and help from our families – to do this, without too much cost.

So that is what we do.

251. Light

But my experience is – esp. from when I was terribly ill – that we do turn to God in times of need, to something Higher. Or the belief in it. Many of us do just that and it is natural and well. So those words the priest writes down for us from the Bible, at baptism or birth, they might not mean much while everything is going well but when everything is not, they will.

244. Drop By Drop

Perhaps it is smarter to do as I stated above and then try to create that situation now, which I want, and then expand it gradually as best I can – like a pool spilling over into the areas outside of the pool … or something.

Instead of pretending or imagining that I am in a desert thirsting and I have to try to reach a pool somewhere in the distance?

I have to imagine I have a small pool now and focusing on making that grow and spill over.

233. What I Saw

Speaking from experience, back when I still thought we could  conceive normally, I can tell you that it quickly destroys your sex life – and peace of mind – trying to have sex by the clock each month to have a child. Maybe you can do it less … strained. But as time wears on and if you feel you are already ‘behind’ … well, that’s just not going to end good.

So my friends, MN and L, made, as far as I can tell (I have never asked directly), a measured choice: Live their lives and see what happens, even if chances diminish the more time passes. Even if 3 months pass and they don’t have sex at the right dates, I suppose. Or a year. Or …

I’m pretty sure that’s the deal they have come up with, no matter how hard that choice was.

So I see the uncertainty in their eyes when they see Jay, hold him, smile at him: “What’s going to happen for us? Did we make the right choice?”

I did see that today. No surprise, but still …

For I was afraid, I’d not see happiness – for us. Deep and honest happiness.

But I did see that.

I was afraid I would see too much doubt, when their own pain clouded things too much, and it would hurt me – and Char – too, even if understandable.

But I saw nothing like that.

I saw a glimmer of sadness and of that pain, later when we walked home and talked about a extra room they are building in their house and what it might be used for. Guests or …

But I never saw their honest sadness at their own situation overshadow their happiness for our situation. Not once.

I may be imagining things, but I really felt it energized them to see Jay – gave them some of that undefinable happiness, too, that babies tend shine into the hearts of people, even if they are not your own.

I really felt that. I hope that it was so.

Which means, I guess, that the most precious thing is still more than intact – our friendship.

And love.

218. Half the Way

Not only was the lack of income getting to me, but also the sense that I wasn’t providing value – not using my skills and experience for any good for anyone. 

But I was. I wrote something and put it out. And some people will read it and benefit from it.

So that at least I can always do. And that is half the way getting there.

159. Reaching the Goal, Starting the Journey

We have to change the story about the brutal birth of Jay, because we need stories to be beautiful and about more than what came out of it – Jay. We need them for our sake to be more than just the goal. We need them to be about the entire journey, too. But the journey is disjointed. Perfect sailing, then storm and drowning and then reaching the island after all does not match.

Something needs to tie it together, in a new way. Something …

But it takes time to find that something. As it should.

Fortunately, we can count on the best help to find a new story about the brutal journey to becoming parents.

And as we get to know Jay well, it will all become clearer.