One weed that has bothered me a long time is Donald J. Trump. Both before and since his election I’ve been spending, say, an hour at least per day following his merits, or lack thereof.
Hoping, I guess, he would somehow do something that was terrible enough to get booted out, first of the election then of the White House.
Well, he is doing lots of terrible things and saying even more terrible things.
And the truth is that he will still do that whether or not I junk-read news about him. So that stops right now.
I won’t spend a minute more of my life polluting my mind with focused reading about this man. Why should I?
I mean, if he blows up Latvia because their president didn’t retweet one of his bullshit boasts then I’ll be sure to find out soon enough.
I want to fill my mind with the life I want to create.
The only better result comes from getting a better habit. Or a better addiction.
My soul wanted this for a long time.
But there were many excuses.
One of them: You are too puritan if you decide to be absolutely abstinent in the age of the Internet, even if just while home.
Puritan is a weird word.
But the question is what I am if I actually get to draw a lot of valuable and joyful and significant stuff again before I die?
If that is a puritan then that is what I am.
I like the word in that case.
I found out the Internet itself was the problem – and the temptation to focus on everything else than what you had decided to focus on.
I have 20 minutes every day to myself. After Jay starts daycare I might have an hour or two at best, because I still have to spend more time making money.
So those are facts.
They should make it easy to choose how to spend that time for some years in the future.
I realize that the few hours I do have, over an entire day – divided in minutes her and quarters there – they will not be used efficiently, if I have a habit of ‘zoning out’ with the latest news about nothing.
“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” – JRRT
A few days ago, I found myself doing the dishes and then going back and forth to my email to see if anyone had written anything “vital” to me (a definition I’ve deliberately left open – but it’s to do with emergencies at work or in the family, mostly).
Thus, I found myself checking email maybe 5 times during an hour to see if anything “vital” had come up which could … divert my attention, I suppose.
The piss filling up and warming my pants this cold spring sure feels nice and warm.
But fine so.
Awareness of a behavior you want to change is the first step to that change.
I still use woefully little of my mental capacity to actually drive towards the goals that mean something to me. I still use precious little willpower to keep my mind on track more of the time.
A lot of the time, and despite my attempts in previous months to detox, I still fall back into just ‘zoning out’, letting all sorts of junk into my mind. If it doesn’t happen by itself, it happens because I let it – i.e. by returning to random internet surfing and the like.
Becoming parents – in a little while – will only make this situation more dire. I will be tempted in the extreme to zone out and sometimes I will have to, just to stay afloat.
But I can’t allow this to go on at least without improving. Then you are allowed to call me a monk.
I want to create a larger Kingdom of the Soul.
Yesterday and the day before that I felt the first effects, I believe, of my Internet detox.
No internet, except 15 min of mail in the morning, two quick news checks and perhaps looking for another blog to comment on.
+What is absolutely necessary for work, of course – but nothing else.
So far I kept at it well, and that apparently had some effects …
What can I say? At times I felt like crying.
Another description for … alive again?
The most important thing is still that I felt calm – much more calm – throughout such a busy day, with so many uncertainties in view.
That must be because I detoxed. Cut off bad social media, bad news, bad noise.
From the Internet.
Only went with what was necessary
So … can I keep this shift real this time? Or will I fall back into the ‘need for noise?’
Is the inner silence and its inherent peace enough?
Today I am not in doubt.