594. Not Streamlined

So I will honor this experience and shift all day from I wake up between working – a time on the application, a time on the long list of order-stuff-tasks and a time for drawing. And then switch. And switch. And keep going for as long as possible.

In the end that should make me a lot more productive, and enjoy it, too.

What could be bad about such a strategy, even though it is not particularly streamlined?

543. Outer Space

Then autumn comes around and hopefully new customers and less manual work. Hopefully Char will have a steady job by then, and I can stay at home to work.

Then we just need to find some kind of chaos-control solution for said home, so I don’t have to spend an hour getting everything cleaned up before I can start working.

Or maybe I just have to spend that hour at another time, because the mess seems to be a permanent feature of 3 people (including one 1-year old) and too little space, relatively speaking. And too little time. And energy.

So I guess I can’t change ‘outer space’ all that much. But I have to keep trying. Chip away a little here and there of the obstacles.

There really is no other choice. As always.

372. Easy and Hard

Dragged an old drawer Char has inherited from her mum back down from the attic, because we don’t have enough space – even with our new mega-cupboard. Jay’s toys and clothes are already piling up, but I don’t think that’s so much of a problem anymore. In fact, it feels easier and easier to clean up and let go of our stuff, and also to decide which of his things to keep. And for how long.

It is not that easy, mind you. But the exercise of throwing things out and constantly evaluating what you need and what you don’t need does get relatively easier if you are forced to make it – constantly. And we are.

It feels as if it is with this exercise as with any other kind of exercise: It gets easier the more you do it. The hard part is getting started.

89. As It Turns Out

Also I bought the small sketch pad to have in my pocket to, well, draw on – instead of looking at the phone when I wait or commute. I had forgotten a proper pencil, of course, but there you go.

I feel good about that version. It’ll allow me to draw in bits all during the day, or rather – I allow myself to do so. At the same time I vow to constrain myself from other distractions such as the Internet. It’ll be workable and more flexible, esp. when Jay comes around.

Last up, I felt much less overwhelmed by the task of cleaning up our rooms, which I have fretted about many days before this post.

It seems all I really needed to do to feel surplus for this (rather big) task, given the circumstances, was to clean up my mind first.

Amen.

84. Keeping the Embers Alive

Then … at some point, give or take a baby’s upbringing and 1001 stressful workdays, there will be more order in the apartment again.

Or elsewhere. Or in my head. Whatever comes first …

Order enough so I feel better about sitting down somewhere and drawing for longer. In a suitable, good enough space. So it is actually physically possible to do it!

But the very first thing to do is to keep those embers in that space where they need to be always, no matter what:

Alive.

69. Gossamer Light

Then it struck me, after having asked my higher angels for a bit of aid, that I felt incredibly … grateful for all my stuff, all the beautiful important useful things I have with or without histories.

Even the shampoo in the bathroom …

Or an old DVD I have to get rid off anyway to create shelfspace for babystuff …

Even those.
I. Felt. Grateful. For my stuff. All of it.

No matter how messy it was.

No matter that other people have more stuff and many other people have a lot less. I didn’t compare at all, up or down.

I. Just. Felt. Deeply. Grateful.

For my stuff.

That was also not the worst of feelings.

In fact it was very beautiful, even if it was gossamer.

66. Mess and Peace

So if creating order on the outside doesn’t work to that end, something is wrong. Stop.

And start again with the inside, with the feelings. With changing those.

Like when I lay down on my bed and tried to just relax instead of stressing about dust on shelves, always falling. And other silliness.

Start inside with making peace when that’s the best, direct route to peace – inside.

I guess that’s what I did today, in my own halting way.