And taking that step forward anyway and following the path I have now set out … that is a very practical experience of true faith.
You don’t need to be religious to experience it.
You just need to find the courage to trust yourself and in your capability to adapt and create value in life, regardless of all the uncertainty.
But the flame inside me that wants to draw more is glowing again, I can feel it.
I thought it would never do so. I thought I had found a shelf for it in me and left it there.
But now it is glowing.
I should be frustrated, because I don’t want more change in priorities. I want steady priorities and as steady an environment as possible and the built something – finally – before I die. Time is passing …
On the other hand, maybe this is also a blessing. It sure feels like a very bright light.
So despite all the mess it makes of my carefully set course over this past half year … well, there it is.
And I will have to explore it and decide where it should lead me.
For it is a strong light.
After 25 years of trying to write a novel and failing I have realized, as previously discussed that that path is not for me. Complicated reasons but this is the conclusion.
So I only write stories now, in my spare time, to get energy. To have fun.
IF that goal is achieved, then I write to get read. To find readers. To entertain.
IF that goal is achieved then I will try to monetize the work, get it sold in a market.
IF that succeeds to a level of some significance I will try to set aside funds from the surplus to donate to some cause or other.
And I do have a dream of reaching that last stage. I really do.
But not at expense of the first stage: To get energy, to have fun. Never again.
If that makes me fail to reach the dream, so be it. It is not worth doing it otherwise. I have tried that too often.
And now I will go and do more dishes.
I should be able, with that temp work in place, to just say: ‘Oh hell – I feel bad this morning. I have 2 hours. I don’t have to do anything but it down, relax and wait until I feel better’.
So no pushing for customer search or whatever.
Sure, then it will take longer to built up a ‘steady’ customer network. And all sorts of other things.
But again, I am simply too old to continue this trend of letting the future keep me hostage and not able to relax and … feel good about being here now. I’m going to do anything to not let that happen.
And then all sorts of goals that I know will indeed give me happiness once completed – they will have to wait a bit longer.
Because I am busy being happy right now.
Fear does not create what I want.
Regret does not create what I want.
Backtalk does not create what I want.
Endless self-analysis does not create what I want.
Anger does not create what I want.
Shame does not create what I want.
Only creating what I want creates what I want.
And thinking it.
And saying it.
I want to fill my mind with the life I want to create.
Goals and physical conditions and all sorts of other stuff are important, yes, but … the entirety of my experience of life is the most important. And that, I can actually control.
—it really feels like it gives me what I want right now to just do my best at making business full time as a webdesigner and then taking every possible moment of free time that I need this energy to do some of my creative projects.
And when I have the energy. Or need it.
Instead of creating a struggle between my business and my creative life.
Like that one about setting goals that make you feel better now…
That is a good one.
But if more “pride” really is what is missing (too) after a year with a baby and all sorts of other distractions, then right now the next thing I want to prioritize that can make me proud of myself – and her more proud of me – is just that boring old thing:
To go out there and earn money for the family.
And it is the right priority now.
Then there will be other times when the other priorities must be higher.
I realize more and more that this is what I have to do in order to get time to do that other thing – which I love.
I can’t wait to clean out my to do-lists. I can’t even try to decide to delete items from them to make them smaller and spend time on that. I don’t want to pretend that there’ll ever be a period in my life when other people won’t – for good or bad reasons – stand in line to take chunk out of my (life) time. They will. It will happen.
So if I ever have to get more of this Love done … I have to become better at just stopping and doing it. Much better.
There’s a lot more nuance to it, but this is the heart of it.
So, like I mused about back in December (IIRC) … if I only have a very limited time I should try to do something in that time that gives mere energy here and now. Results be damned.
Process and the path is all it is about. And if that path leads nowhere then so be it.
But if that way of walking the path actually makes me go the distance then perhaps it will indeed lead somewhere. Finally, and after many, many failed attempts and interpretations about what was good for me creatively.
So it is worth trying.
Sometimes you just have to do another makeshift solution if it is what works.
Like I wrote the other day:
… I am still only doing Hammer and Magic – art and illustration bits – in my spare-time when I need to relax. I am going to be deliberately and hopelessly “unprofessional” about how I work on this project, because I know from experience that … nothing else works, if I want to stay motivated under the circumstances of my life.
And I am very clear about that.
Even if I worked all I could and stressed about it – especially the marketing part – there would be no earnings guarantee. The money lost from my insistence on ‘contributing’ by buying half the food, more or less, is penalized with 14.5 per cent interest on my credit account. Better to take that money from Char’s savings and inheritance, obviously. I mean, do we have a joint economy or what? Maybe I am not contributing much, economically, but it is still joint.
Let’s make some rational choices, then …
I wonder why it took me so long to see this. I guess it was a mixture of interference from life-stress (like the stuff with my mother’s cancer) and habit and an idea that Char wanted me to pay my part and that I should because I am … what? … the man of the house.
But Char also want’s help when she can only use one hand more or less. And she wants less stress at home. And more quality time and some sweet time, too. With me.
So that is my contribution.